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[why]

Your sentiments echo what I often feel; that no one hears me and no one cares anyway--which probably has more to do with my endless self-doubt than any reality. I've stood on my head  trying to unlearn this fear, but that too seems so futile so often.

My sense is that there's loads of introverts on here, and that also speaks as to the why of some of the non-responses. Even natural extroverts would be driven to the i side given what we've experienced.

I've posted far more than I thought I would or could here, but each time I do the fear of putting my puny self out there echoes your own writer's inner critic feedback loop. I shrink back in fear when there isn't a response as well--it's like my input is sure to kill a topic, or offend, or be misunderstood. That's probably not true; but I do, as jdog hints, take it personally...it's a habit. Illogical, but we easily trend in that direction; it was what we mistakenly absorbed from our early circumstances.

What you wrote in the other thread re/impostors echoes how I feel about what I timidly choose to share here. You said: "...as soon as I start comparing myself to others I feel myself sagging. How can a soggy empty paper bag be a writer?"

I feel bad here, as I was immediately drawn to what you wrote in those posts but didn't want to "impose" right away as I feel like what effect do I have, etc., ad infinitum--lately this has been weighing heavily on me, and I'm very down on myself (my "normal" get outta here, fade away feeling  ). 

I'm sorry if you felt put out by the lack of responses. Interestingly, sometimes I notice threads from a year back suddenly reappear when a new person stumbles on a previous posting from way back and feels they can add something to the discussion. Perhaps even the original poster for a topic has moved on for some reason, as was the case with the impostor thread itself--it started long ago, but here we are still building on it. It struck a chord, and one never knows when that might happen.

Based on what your early writings indicate, your experiences and thoughts are needed here.   

In part 1 of this thread, I wrote about how I literally created a new life, in response to my early cptsd (not labeled as such at the time). And I did alright, built up a life that helped assuage some of the grief, but I still feel like what Puffyface said:

"...it's like I'm living someone else's life. Someone who's better than I can possibly be. And then I make a mess of it." In my case, I pretty much obliterated the 'previous life', got away  from the sorts of people and the circumstances that hurt me. I know that saved me from the immediate * I needed to escape, but I also can't shake loose from the numb feeling that I'm an actor in someone else's life, just as Puffyface has described.

But it's also a cruel push-pull of wanting/not wanting. And I have no idea what to do anymore.   

   

Accessing the inner child is an area I've been drawn to, but I've had some difficulties that have blocked my previous attempts to find a comfortable way to work with it. I've written letters to "him", notes, etc., and never seemed able to break through.

My problem in a nutshell—every time I access or reach the inner child, the negative associations of his early life seem to overwhelm. The abuses, the people, etc.; all the  circumstances which fed my cptsd symptoms soon crowd out the inner child and I despair, get frustrated and angry when all the old stuff reappears too, leaving me (and him) in the lurch, so to speak. Sometimes it feels like I'm getting there, and then one of these "side-bars" seem to interfere. Instead of the child I'd like to access and befriend, I just see this forlorn, miserable, despondent fellow and his mood overtakes my own. And so I'd give up, yet again.

Recently, though, I've hit on a different approach to finding him. And it involves rescuing him, taking the devastated kid ("me") out of that environment entirely. Bringing him into my world--now--which after all is the only place either of "us" can hope to live out our true destiny. It builds on multicolour's notion of bringing the future self into play. And here in the middle is the present self, able to draw from both sides, and clear my mind of its distractions.

So I guess that's a way out of something that's bothered a lot—my inability to access the inner child in a meaningful way without revisiting so much of the pain that I see when I "visit" him in that other world.

Like so much of this, we cope via these unique individual approaches. However we do it, it does seem something that can be beneficial; reaching that inner child world to better function now, resolving at least some of that leftover grief we drag with us.

Many thanks  to those who've contributed their thoughts on this.

Convalescent,

Your life is more than okay...it's magnificent. I didn't say your circumstances are or ever were ideal -- but YOU, as you, are; and deep down, always have been.  And those circumstances can be worked with; and they'll reflect the good person you are, and always have been.

Thank you for being here, for sharing, and for your honesty. For being YOU--all the time, wherever you are, wherever you go, and know there are those here who support your every step.

                     

The m has been gone from the world for almost 50 years yet my score hit 90, all sizzling red in the recap.

            

Stunned a bit; so much for "time will heal". The good is it's all only memory; the bad is the memories are still so overwhelming, and the results on my current life still so hopelessly obvious .  I guess it just shows how long after this can drag one's spirit down.

Good questions, Bimsy.  Thank you.

First, you wondered about the empty upstairs: "maybe it has to stay empty since we never know what is going to happen?" Yes/no, it seems. Subsequent dreams had 'me' entering the empty space, and it was different each time...and always like the upstairs led to or had been replaced by an open sky. Reminds me of a performance stage, and the scenes/acts rotate in and out; unlike the stationary/historical (hysterical?) setting found on the lower floor.

Regarding waterfalls, I've come to regard them (in my dreams and/or waking daydreams) as thoughts cascading down. Like a waterfall, you can't stop the thoughts, even or especially the negative ones. And, if you try to stop the waterfall (emotions or thoughts) it can overwhelm you. At the bottom the water might pool up and muddy the mind...or you can let them flow on, break up a dam if you have to, and eventually the water finds its way to the ocean. Kinda like reaching the open sky in the other scenario.

[you]

If only all this was easy, eh? 

It's always implied that we are solo, solitary pieces of machinery and it should all fit together efficiently and solidly. We're told this over and over--from scientific, religious, political, therapeutic, and even advertising sources. We hope these will help us get a grip on our confusion. Doesn't always work out that way, but luckily we have our own internal messaging that we can, albeit often don't, turn to.

In your acceptance of the "characters", Obscured, you've probably stepped out beyond that notion of unity within personality. And that's perfectly fine, and human. It takes loads of self-realization to get to this point.

Whether full understanding results is an unknown but observing and accepting even the not-so-likeable parts of ourselves seems like a crucial step. Even if we don't always like what we find. Plus, as with so much of this recovery work, we need to balance even the seemingly disconnected stuff.

As you say, "the goal of my therapy is to somehow integrate them all into a cohesive whole." Actually, this may already have happened, in a way, by your recognition of the parts. The 'cohesive' piece remains elusive, but it's a work-in-progress. Patience and self-compassion bode large as you journey with all of 'you' to you.

I'm a daydreamer from way back. Big, little, medium fantasies; lots of them clearly identified with cptsd symptoms, but many that are not so easy to categorize. And I'm not sure they aren't supposed to be a part of my reality.

Daydreams and fantasies seem quite natural for everyone, with or without cptsd. There are whole industries built on stories—novels, movies, TV and movies, etc. So there's lots of daydreams going on.

They might be a problem if we hide in them (I often do), but they can also be the source of music, art, and writing. The world of daydreams is often the start of all those stories read and viewed by so many people. They might start from dissociation, but they can also transform and create connections with others.

With regard to cptsd, it seems natural to daydream; just to cope and build a means for survival. When I see or remember cruel, mean things or people, you bet I tend to fantasize (a pity if I only have that option, but I'll take it as a needed part of my recovery).

Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw once said: "You see things; and you say 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say 'Why not?'." It's natural to seek a better way, and via daydreams we can sense those things that never were, and dream about making them part of our reality.

I think we can, as rig6859 put it, "be present and believe my outer world can be the same or better than these daydreams." Perhaps the daydream can help inspire and frame the reality we'd like to be a part of. The daydreams, even if they stem from abuse, can potentially point us towards the recovery we're desperately searching for.

Thanks so much  for sharing your dream, Bimsy. While there are dozens of theories about what dreams mean or represent, in the end each of us is free to connect with what seems important, to figure out what's sometimes apparent, while at other times the insight comes only after a bit of reflection.

Your cave reminded me of a recurring set of dreams I've had. The setting is always a house with an empty upstairs (my cave). For a long time I left it at that--my dream character/"me" knew the empty portion was there, but for a long time resisted finding out why it was so. I thought along the lines of "oh, shucks, I'm missing something; I'm not complete, there's all this empty space not filled  ".

Part of my negative reaction may have stemmed from the memory of a relatively empty upstairs attic I retreated to as a youth when the life downstairs became too much to bear and the upstairs attic became my place to cry it out in.

Until in one dream, the "me" character took a chance and investigated the mysterious upstairs in the dream house. Not sure why, but it seemed to finally be okay to investigate, although the dream "me" was still cautious.

Long dream(s) short, I found a stunning message in the emptiness...I found it spacious instead of confining, pointing to possibility, not lack. So, that's why there was the emptiness.  It represented my hopes, my journey beyond the despair left downstairs.   

I also note your waterfall metaphor. I had another series of dreams where I was chased by the abusers of my youth. I was in a canoe, and finally escaped and found peace...at...a...waterfall! I've incorporated waterfalls, and that incredibly beautiful "empty" space, into parts of my recovery process, built around other metaphors for journeying, like candle-lanterns, canoe trips, etc.

This new outlook, still a work-in-progess, started with dreams...simultaneously I'd had some ferocious nightmares; but I can always remember the dreams of hope and possibility, so your dream with its cave/waterfall/sacred space references reminded me to stay on track with what I've been learning. There's many signs from my life that all is lost; but now I can sense I've no need to wallow in them, either.

Again, thank you!     

Sounds like it's tough sledding, but I admire the determination you've shown to venture into a new life beyond family limitations. Between your therapy and what you've arrived at on your own, your map of recovery at least springs from a solid foundation. The rough edges will probably assert themselves somehow, but you'll be better prepared, too. Hopefully this site can augment that.

I loved your attitude per your 'new' family: "When my blood family cannot meet my needs, I have a 'chosen' family (friends) who joined me on Saturday for the most peaceful, fulfilling holiday gathering I've had..." You didn't choose the circumstances, but went ahead and followed your heart's lead. 

You also said: "I'm proud to want to know... I'm not ashamed of being in therapy myself." The stigma can be a deterrent, but kudos  for forging a way regardless. It takes time, as you noted. And courage.

There's a lot of info on this site, and people who might be able to lend a hand, or at least an ear...so I hope you will find this experience a good place to have found as you struggle with the next steps on this bumpy ride called cptsd.   

Excellent question.

Everyone on this site, in one form or another, is in a process of recovery. Just by being here, we admit we can't press on alone and seek advice, pointers, comfort, camaraderie, and more that we haven't found elsewhere. And we hope we can continue to progress.

Percentage-wise, recovery progress is hard to figure and probably fluctuates; so many variables can mess it up. I've gone through cycles where I 'thought' I felt okay and 'relapsed'. Something or someone would trigger me and I'd be back at square one. Still happens; I hate it, but eventually plunge on.

Awareness, as you point out, seems key to turning the corner. As is what I call un-learning. We unconsciously learn all these habitual reactions and behaviours, and slowly recover by un-learning them. That process can be simple, complex, and/or confusing. Pretty frustrating, too, as we tend to go with what we already learned (or thought we did) too well. And all the work to stay on track is tiring, to say the least; pushing the cure factor further out of reach.

Maybe it's best not to aim for that evasive cure, but realize the recovery is ongoing. As you say, "I know I will always have to stay on top of things...is that the definition of recovery as oppose to curing?"

I tend to think it probably is. This may sound strange, but maybe a cure shouldn't even be the goal--it sets us up for disappointment or a feeling of failure if we expect a cure to look and feel a certain way.

One step at a time, easy on ourselves, slowly un-learning/learning. Then we look around, feel better about ourselves, and don't even need a name for it. It'll happen all by itself if we stay on course.     

[bold letter]

Hi Foggy, hope you keep trying as there should be some help for you here from other members. I'll try and lend a hand; I never thought I'd get the hand of 'puters either, but after loads of practice, can manage to get around much better.

Okay. Presumably you can make it in using your "foggy" nickname on line 1 and whatever your passcode # on next one. If you do indeed get on, and want to see what you've posted so far, click on your name "Foggy" again.

That should bring up your "profile" page. On the left of that page is a column marked "Profile Info" in a light blue bar. Then, directly under the "Profile Info" there is a bold letter heading title Summary. Then, under that, there are 2 lines; the first is called "Show stats" and the second says "Show Posts". Click on "Show Posts" and that should bring up your entries (3 so far that I see).

If you want to see responses to what you posted, click on the "headline" of your post (example 3 Welcome and Please Introduce Yourself/first post.  That will bring up a column of entries from the people who have listed in that category. Look for your "headline" on the Subject column or your name on the Started By column further to the right.

Also, whenever you first enter the site and sign in, there will be a Hello Foggy first page. Under your name, there will be 2 choices: the 1st says "show unread posts since last visit" and the 2nd says "show new replies to your posts". Click whichever one you'd like to view and those will show you what's been posted in each category.

Hope that helps. It's valuable to have your input here, so I hope you can get on whenever you want. Once you master the right places to click, it should get easier. Any probs, ask again...there's probably folks who can describe the how-to's better, but just wanted to help out if possible. 

I've had no immediate family for 40 years, so it's never an issue that way anymore. Youthful memories don't include many good times, so the nostalgia factor is from other sources; those I've observed from within my own bubble. And that hurts, to always be a step, or several, removed from the joy I see and wish I could be a 'natural' part of.

But I was invited to two small dinners this week with people I know locally. They were warm and nice but...it's kind of like I qualify as the needy sort, and both dinners included a couple others who fit that description in various ways (e.g. widows, work-release prisoners).

Mind you, the hosts 'like' me, but I yearn for a greater friendship with them, and their avowed admiration for me seems to extend just so far. Partly I know it's me; I project a slightly lonely but okay (strong even) with-it persona. And rarely can I break out of it, assert a desire for greater friendship beyond the boundary of someone who's needy. So I pack up the "care basket" of leftovers and wander back to lonely. And become invisible  again 'til their next dinner for the needy outriders. 

Greetings, obscured...Your life's description as "chaotic" is sure to ring a bell of recognition from most of us. I'll echo the observation that it's a relief to figure out some of the underlying vibes. Then the task is accepting that this is our new 'normal'. Best part of this new road is it's not an endgame, that we have options to where and how we go forward with it. Albeit many are troubling options; still there's ways through, as you're learning and have shared here.

My path towards recovery also involved lots of dissociative fantasy, as you pointed out was true for you. I was fortunate to have missed the drug route, but in a sense it was replaced with a lot of false persona. One of my life's callings was that of actor, so I'll let that explain itself.

You wrote that..."It is a relief to know what is 'wrong' with me but it also hurts to understand how damaged I am. In some ways it was easier not knowing and being in denial." I relate to that and also much of your story right up to the 'brave persona' with your therapist. Yep, same here, although I went through a number of therapists (don't have one now); finally the dam burst, though...the hurt but strange relief at that point set me on course again to finding a life free of denial.

Like you, it's a huge hurdle to find friends; my best friend died a couple of years ago and that's left a huge hole. And what you said echoes loudly for me..."I am useless at relationships because my emotional flashbacks get triggered the most when I let people get close to me." Yep.

So I offer my best wishes to you, and hope you can find some things on this site you can fit into your own journey of recovery.

[all]

The honest approach turns out to be the safest, I've found. I was badly used by the m, for instance; whenever someone would ask about her, I deflected it, sometimes told people she died early (emotionally she did, but it's still a half-truth). That answer could end up being a double whammy, though; as it could prompt further questions leading to even more evasive answers beyond the little white lie behind which I sought to divert it in the first place. Or it produced a faux sympathy from whoever I told, even more awkward to deal with.

I still avoid the topic, if I can, as it's of course just as painful as it's ever been to go there. But if I have to, I also have concluded, as you have, that cptsd isn't something to be ashamed of. It affected me deeply, it explains some of my behaviours, but the minor discomfort of revelation outweighs full denial.

As you say, the reactions can backfire, but that's not about you, it concerns the "friend" or whoever responds negatively. It too stems from fear, only this time it's their fear and has nothing to do with you. It's still uncomfortable, as we fear their rejection in like measure, but I've still found the only option to be the honesty course.

It's not like I wear a sign saying "I have cptsd" but if it comes up, I've felt better since I haven't tried so hard to hide (although I still fervently hope it doesn't come up). Sometimes "a rough childhood" is enough of an answer, and if it gets further, I know what went on, they don't; I'm trying to deal with it, they should be able to respect that. If not, I don't need further dealings with them in that regard. It hurts, as I have chosen a very lonely way of life, but true friends should commit to accepting all of you.

Surprisingly, a couple seemed to regard me better having heard how I've learned to be stronger with it, especially having taken steps to learn more about it, to understand myself and what I can/can't do about it.

This is such a weird culture where it's not understood that life isn't a sport with winners and losers. The implied message is that wounded people are losers, and cast in a negative light. Seems pretty positive, though, to have tried to pick up the pieces of a damaged soul and walk with it, accepting it even, in hope rather than defeat.