My Journal - As I'm trying to Become Me

[BecomingMe]

TRIGGER WARNING:  CSA - NOTHING EXPLICIT BUT STILL GOOD TO BE AWARE!

Today seems a good day to start this journal. Mainly because there's probably nowhere else I can say this without being locked up!!! Maybe       

It's so strange. I really AM HEALING! I feel it happening but the journey itself is sooooo hard. Almost 2 months ago I discovered I have Structural Dissociation. I was never able to connect with my inner child but a few months ago it happened for the first time – only to realise I have inner children. Different ages trapped in time with their memories and the pain of those events. It makes perfect sense to me – it would have been way too much for any "one mind" to cope with. I've spent a lot of time over the years being angry or just simply despairing with my brain and all the flashbacks etc.... but now I'm in awe. And so appreciative of the ingenious way my brain adapted to help me survive – and even succeed to some extent – what was a horrific childhood. So I've started connecting with them.

Just over a year ago I started getting full flashbacks again – the virtual reality kind where it's like getting into a time capsule and you're there once again. With every microscopic visual detail appearing sooooo strongly. My therapist said that's a sign of dissociating at the time. Every bit of new knowledge and understanding like that also helps me. Not instantly but gradually. 2 weeks ago I went into a full emotional flashback of a particular event – one that's been in my nightmares my whole life and replaying most days for the last year. This time there was no visuals but the emotions were overwhelming. Pure terror! And physical pain throughout my body. This was the FIRST time that a) I really KNEW it was a flashback even while it was happening. I'm safe and knew that. And b) I stayed with the emotions so they could release. It was 2 days of pure * and in the end I had to schedule an emergency session with my therapist as I felt my mind was actually slipping away. But she is amazing and helped me realise I'm still ok – even that was just a feeling from the past. What would have happened at the time.

When I was 8 I endured a particularly vicious rape by my father. I haven't been able to talk about it for years. Not even with my therapist – it's like my throat is blocked. But I did write a poem about it 1½ years ago and now I realise that my nightmares stopped around then too – for the first time in my life ever!!!! But I shared my poem recently with a couple of people I trust – after asking their permission. That alone triggered me massively but it's also helped a lot. I no longer feel that I AM shame! I'm still full of it    but that's a definite improvement.

The last few days I really wasn't well. Lots of physical pain. And I was trying to connect with my 8-year old and failing. But I realised she's exhausted. Wiped out from reliving this event. And yesterday I felt the physical pains of the aftermath in my body. I was shaking with back pain but even more from the build-up of (what felt like) poisonous emotions just rushing around my system. And I felt so sick. I was stuck lying sideways on the sofa, unable to move and just wishing there was a way to release it from my body – and then the vomit came. I have chronic back pain anyway for 20+ years after a car accident and started using cannabis a few years ago for that. It is BY FAR the most effective painkiller I've ever used and I ditched all my opioids completely 2 years ago. But I've found cannabis to also be invaluable in helping me process everything. I use it wisely and I'm still amazed how it helps my brain to somehow help things fit into place. It was also the first way I was able to actually feel my emotions – at least to understand what they were, as opposed to just overwhelm and panic. I really believe it's such a strong medicine for the mind. At least for me, I wouldn't have been able to make the progress I have without cannabis. I needed it yesterday for the back pain and ultimately it has released so much more.

So today I'm going to rest again. I just cleaned up the mess and that's all that needed to be done. My 8-year old is still totally floored. And I'm feeling that too. So maybe today we will be able to connect  But lots of rest needed today for both of us.

[Papa Coco]

BecommingMe,

Your name, BecomingMe, is really resonating with what you've written in this journal entry. You are becoming you. It sounds like you are on your way through the long, complex healing process and making good progress. You are finding yourself through all the little helpful parts inside you who are your inner children. Each one trying to help you in the only ways they know how to help.

I just want to send you all the support I can. You're doing all the right things. I'll send you as much strength and support as I can through the airwaves.

[BecomingMe]

Thank you Papa Coco  Thank you so much

[Hope67]

Hi BecomingMe,
I also wanted to wish you support with the work you're doing, connecting to your 8 year old.  I related to what you said about feeling a constriction or blockage in the throat area. 

I echo what Papa Coco said, about sending you as much strength and support through the airwaves. 
Hope 

[BecomingMe]

TRIGGER WARNING CSA - NOTHING EXPLICIT, BUT POSSIBLY TRIGGERING EMOTIONS

I can't believe it's one month since I logged on to this forum. The days are not easy but they still just seem to disappear so quickly for me. By the afternoon I'm usually brain-dead anyway due to back pain and the continual processing that's going on in my mind. Continual rollercoaster!! That's what healing is for me. And most of the time it's really NOT an enjoyable ride. But I do know and recognise that I am choosing to be here. I want to heal. And having good days, good insights and even periods where I am feeling good and coming to terms with many things – these are the things are keeping me going. But right now I'm going through a tough period again.

It's Saturday today and last Saturday I spent the entire day crying, even sobbing at times – but it was healing and I felt my shame almost "dissolving". It was very powerful and felt amazing! I even wrote a poem that I felt was powerful and I think I'll post it in the poems section - need to celebrate every win!!! And share them I think - because they're important. However, since Tuesday my back pain has flared up to the point that I really can't do much of anything and I'm just feeling very low and flat. I was triggered on Tuesday. All it took was a curt email from my (soon to be ex) husband – nothing strong or aggressive, just enough to make me feel hurt and realise once more that there is absolutely NO caring or consideration for me whatsoever. Now that I can also see the patterns that existed continually through our marriage, it hurts a lot to know that he never really loved me. That was the trigger but of course it taps into engrained feelings/emotions that stem from childhood. It's still hard to ascertain exactly WHAT I'm feeling – apart from just being low. I do think that in the past I would be feeling suicidal right now and I don't – so that truly is a big improvement. Intellectually I recognise that and I'm holding onto that realisation like a banner. Although I feel like I've taken a step backward again, I'm still moving forward. Even if it's only an inch at a time.

I had a dream last night, that my Uncle Fred came and knocked on the door. And I opened it. Because I was too scared NOT to open the door. Everything in my mind now is telling me that I SHOULD NOT open that door. I am safe and he can only abuse me if I open the door – but thinking about it and recognising the fear, I believe that I would open the door and allow him to abuse me again. It feels TERRIBLE!!! Cognitively, I understand the patterns of my brain and how that could potentially happen. I take solace in the fact that my abusers are all dead now. But that doesn't make it easier. How on earth can I "undo" this pattern, this programming?? I've been watching Tim Fletcher's amazing videos and working my way through his long playlist on re-parenting. But right now I don't feel any inner strength or the ability to stand up for myself. Once again, I feel like a young child – who would simply comply with his demands out of fear and habit (for want of a better word!). It makes me feel worthless. I do truly know now that it wasn't my fault and there isn't the intense shame that I've always had until now. But I feel worthless. And now I'm crying again. But these tears don't feel healing.

[dollyvee]

Hi BecomingMe,

I just wanted to say that I read what you wrote and I hear you. I'm sorry you're going through this, but it sounds as if you are healing. You had to do what you had to do to survive at that time, even if it meant opening the door. Even if it doesn't feel like it, you are an adult now and you don't have to open that door.

Sending you support and a hug if that's ok   
dolly

[NarcKiddo]

I am so sorry you are struggling with this.

Possible TW in discussing what may have been going on with Uncle Fred.

It seems to me (and please ignore if my comments are not helpful) that Adult You is of course aware you should not open the door. For that matter, Uncle Fred has no business to be knocking on it in the first place. But Child You is experiencing the dream and the flashback. And the child had no choice but to open the door. I am assuming it was all part of the requirements of Uncle Fred that you open the door. Was it even locked? Child You would no doubt have known that resistance would not have prevented Uncle Fred from doing whatever he wished and would only have served to make him angry and make the whole thing worse.

You are not worthless, and you never were. Child You had no choice. Adult You does have a choice and I do not believe that Adult You would dream of opening that door, unless it was to inform Uncle Fred that the police had been called to cart him away.

I wonder if you are confusing Adult You and Child You a little. It's easily done, especially when the child part of you is having the dreams. Are you maybe trying to persuade Child You not to open the door? And then getting upset when you realise Child You would always open the door? It seems to me that maybe it is worth instead trying to let Adult You reassure Child You that Adult You is now in charge. That there is really no decision for Child You to make. Adult You will deal with every knock as appropriate and will certainly not be letting Uncle Fred anywhere near Child You. It can be a long, hard process to get the child part of oneself to trust the adult part. I think you are doing very well.

Wishing you all the best as you work through this.

[Papa Coco]

BecomingMe,

I sincerely feel your emotions right now. I've never been through a divorce, but I did "divorce" my FOO, and the one thing I see in your post that compares with my experience is the hot, burning pain I felt as I realized they had never loved me the way I made myself believe they had.

Something I just learned about emotion is that ONE emotion can carry thousands of memories in it. As I was wiggling out of my FOO, the mess they had me in was bringing up old memories and compounding my emotions with a long history of feeling like I was a dope for letting a lot of people treat me the way they always had. It was a like a windstorm during a rainstorm during an earthquake during a wildfire all at the same time. It was emotionally overwhelming. But it didn't last. Once I processed all that emotion, things began to get better.

I'm also VERY glad to read that you are past the suicidality of it.  I know how that feels, because I was in a suicidal place at the time of my "divorce" from them and had to be rescued by someone who stopped me only minutes before it would have been too late. I'm VERY glad to hear that you have been able to get past the suicidality and are allowing yourself to feel the release through crying rather than doing any self-harm. Crying is a better way to release pain than is self-harm. The trick for me, is to just let the sobbing happen without trying to push it away or stop it. I've spent many days in that space myself. It happens because you are a good person who was hitched to a not-so-good person.

I hope that, no matter how much pain you feel, you are aware of the fact that you hurt because you're a good person. I hope you keep in touch with all the souls on the forum because when you feel sadness, we feel it with you and together we keep each other safe and hopeful.  One day the pain will calm down, but a day will never come when you stop being a good person. Your goodness is what's carrying you through this. It's going to last. The pain will fade, but the good in you will only get stronger.

Time really did help me in my situation. Once the family was gone, and all the legalities and paperwork around my parents' estate was settled, and nobody in my family had any further legitimate reason ever again to contact me, the deep pain became a lot more manageable.

It's been my experience that therapy works once the abuse stops. My "cute" way of saying that is, "you can't heal the victims of a train crash until after the train stops crashing". As you put distance between yourself and your ex, I would expect to see that any therapy or healing methods that you do will begin to take hold better than you've ever experienced. You're being set free from him and now you can move forward with your own agenda, which is to process the healing from a past that is finally behind you.

The sadness and sobbing are something you have the right to feel as your beautiful heart processes all these emotions that are coming up for you now.

Now that you know your soon to be ex was never able to love you, you are able to process the truth. It's a process. It will pass. We are here to listen as you process what you have the right to process.

From my heart to yours,     

[natureluvr]

2 weeks ago I went into a full emotional flashback of a particular event – one that's been in my nightmares my whole life and replaying most days for the last year. This time there was no visuals but the emotions were overwhelming. Pure terror! And physical pain throughout my body. This was the FIRST time that a) I really KNEW it was a flashback even while it was happening. I'm safe and knew that. And b) I stayed with the emotions so they could release. It was 2 days of pure * and in the end I had to schedule an emergency session with my therapist as I felt my mind was actually slipping away. But she is amazing and helped me realise I'm still ok – even that was just a feeling from the past. What would have happened at the time.

What courage and strength you have, to be willing to face these horrible memories and emotions. 

 

I shared my poem recently with a couple of people I trust – after asking their permission. That alone triggered me massively but it's also helped a lot. I no longer feel that I AM shame! I'm still full of it    but that's a definite improvement.

What a despicable thing to do to a child.  I don't even have words.  It's amazing how much healing there is when we express and share these things with someone.  I'm glad that they were able to give you the space to do this. 

It's Saturday today and last Saturday I spent the entire day crying, even sobbing at times – but it was healing and I felt my shame almost "dissolving". It was very powerful and felt amazing!

This is really powerful and effective healing work that your are doing!  I too have had many hard crying spells, and I feel so cleansed and lighter afterwards.  Tears are very healing and cathartic.  Pete Walker says that crying will also help us to have more compassion for our inner children. 

I think you are doing a fantastic job of working on your recovery, and am privileged to be able to read about it and offer support.