Messages

Thank you all for your warm welcome! It is so good to know I am not alone...I am grateful to have found a safe place of understanding help...it's not easy to find.

My husband is helping the best he can...it is so new for the both of us...he is learning with me. So I am grateful for that.

Hello! I have been on this forum for about a month...I haven't posted anything yet...just been gleaning from all of you. Just knowing  I am not alone has been a big help. So thank you.

Me in a nutshell...I am 42 and a stay at home mama to 4 kids. Been married for19 years. I have been a mess for as long as I can remember. Grew up in an abusive home. It was my dad. My mom did the best she could but was not very "present". I am still being treated very poorly by my dad. It hasn't ever really stopped. There are a number of other stories that have just accumulated over the years. Angry/ bully long term ex-boyfriend, sexual assault and more. I seem to attract people who need someone to walk all over. I am just facing all of this for the first time really and it is so painful. I want to quit digging in...but the way I have been living is no good either. I feel so stuck.

Just last night, my husband and I were watching a show and a John Denver song played during the credits...I had such a huge emotional flashback reaction to it...sad, dark, scared...and I started weeping and shaking. I have blocked something out that that song is associated with. I am just starting to come to terms with how scared I was as a kid/teenager. How scared I still am now.

Lately my husband has been having to deal with 2 coworkers who are just rude and nasty. I am in shock at the level of disrespect and nastiness coming out of these men...some has even been thrown at me.  It is bringing up all manner of stuff inside me. I am just so weary of the hurt. I am weary of how people feel it is ok to treat others like they do. Actually...I have been struggling a lot with that one. I have really been struggling with how people hurt others and don't think twice about it. I try and talk myself down...things like reminding myself that I can be judgmental too...I certainly am not perfect...or maybe they are going through something hard and just taking it out on others...but none of that is helping right now.  I am tired of giving others the benefit of the doubt when they choose to just keep hurting people. I did it with my dad for many years. I am so weary of my entire life being consumed with abusive people.  I just feel like I am so ill equipped to deal with life sometimes because I have only ever been in survival mode. I am constantly in a state of hypervigilence... depressed and on top of it dealing with 17 years of chronic physical pain.

I just want to run away from life sometimes...but I know that wherever I go...I have to bring myself along...running doesn't make my inner stuff go away. It doesn't take chronic pain away. I guess sometimes I'd just like to catch a break....breathe a little...have one thing be a little easy. But it doesn't seem to be in the cards for me.

Anyway...sorry this got so long...I hope I didn't post anything offensive...I am sorry if I did. I just want to thank you all again for the help I've gotten already just from reading your posts.