A while ago I wrote about the devastation I felt upon learning that the beginning of therapy was not imminent but that the waiting list was up to six months. Another member (sorry I can't remember who you were!) correctly guessed that I'm in the UK and said she too had been told six months, but that she got in after three. I had a number of breakthroughs -- thank you, OOTS! -- and stopped caring whether I had therapy or not.
Today I've received a letter from a Traumatic Stress Service inviting me to be assessed. They enclosed a pamphlet which said the service dealt exclusively with PTSD sufferers, listing what we all know about PTSD-simple: a life-threatening incident as victim or witness, resultant symptoms chiefly depression and audio-visual flashbacks, and if it goes on too long voila!, it becomes PTSD.
Before the breakthroughs I was helpless and desperate, would ask H to make phone calls on my behalf. This past week -- ie. since a major crack-up complete with SI last Tuesday afternoon -- I've been getting stronger and feistier by the day.
So I went to the phone, rang the number and spoke to a pleasant female receptionist. I asked her whether the Traumatic Stress Service knew about CPTSD. She put it into her computer and told me no, so I told her: "I've been through more than one life-threatening situation -- I was raped at 19 and the man was threatening to kill me; and my first husband once pinned me to the bed holding a broken bottle in my face -- but I had PTSD-like symptoms before that. Complex PTSD most commonly begins in childhood. My parents, particularly my mother, abused me from infancy onwards."
She asked whether I wanted someone to call me and clarify that point before I would agree to an assessment for eligibility to the Traumatic Stress Service and I said no, but that I'd already been assessed, about six weeks ago at the local nuthouse. As it happened the man I saw on that occasion was named for cc along with my GP at the bottom of the trauma service's letter.
It was only then that she asked for name, date of birth and phone contact. I'm to receive another letter from them about the assessment appointment. Looking forward to it!
Oh, and I said: "A traumatic stress service ought to know about CPTSD." Some workers at this one probably do, but if not they soon will!
you go, candid!!! well done!
Hi, that was me that told you that! Really glad you have had a response. I'm being treated for ptsd even though I know it's cptsd, strangely the cbt lady I've had doesn't believe the symptoms are different from cptsd to ptsd, I've finished with her now and am now on a waiting list for a trauma therapist all NHS again. It will probably be about 6 weeks, so is always hard when you're left for a length of time with nothing but I'm greatful for all the help I have received and hope the trauma therapist is someone I can relate to. Good luck to you.
Eyessoblue, thanks for putting your hand up. It sounds as though you didn't know you had CPTSD when you originally applied for counselling. Is that right?
Quote from: Eyessoblue on March 20, 2017, 02:30:04 PMstrangely the cbt lady I've had doesn't believe the symptoms are different from cptsd to ptsd,
As I understand it the chief difference is that with PTSD-simple people experience flashbacks in which they feel as though they're back in the life-threatening situation. Pete Walker says complex PTSD is characterised by
emotional flashbacks, in which (as I understand it) abandonment depression is predominant. I hope someone else will correct me if I'm wrong.
I liked what Diane Langberg says here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otxAuHG9hKo -- that PTSD is a single event and CPTSD is a whole life. I got over having been raped (1975) when a
more traumatic event occurred in 1991: the last occasion on which I saw both my parents. There was certainly no physical threat that day, but it turned my hair white in a matter of weeks. The battering marriage, five gruesome months in 1984, led to nightmares in which I was trapped with him again. That went on until I found out in 1992 that he'd divorced me, then the nightmares stopped. Truth is my life is a catalogue of trauma.
QuoteI'm greatful for all the help I have received and hope the trauma therapist is someone I can relate to.
I hope so, too. It can take such a long time to find a good 'fit'. Hey, we could end up sitting in the same waiting room one day without knowing it!
:heythere: sanmagic7!
Thanks to you both for your good wishes.
Candid-yes you are right I didn't know I had cptsd, I thought I was bipolar (my diagnosis) but the psychiatrist I saw ruled it out and my therapist (first therapist) confirmed it was cptsd but the cbt lady I've just been with says it's ptsd- very confusing but I know that due to a life time of separate traumas it is cptsd, I think I tick every symptom there is going. Yes we could well be in the same waiting room, that's the thing isn't it with cptsd we look very normal on the outside so who would know what is wrong with us, I disassociate so much when I'm out with my friends and make out I'm someone I'm not, not one of them knows that I have cptsd but learning to disguise things from an early age has been a coping mechanism that I've become accustomed to and find difficult to try and change, but sometimes being that disassociated person is a good place for me to be, I've had 6 weeks of cbt to learn to sit with my feelings and be comfortable with who I am, I'm getting there with it but find it hard as I've never done that before and taken myself off to another 'place'. Hope you get on ok.
Quote from: Eyessoblue on March 20, 2017, 10:19:24 PMlearning to disguise things from an early age has been a coping mechanism that I've become accustomed to and find difficult to try and change...
Yeah, I get that. In fact I believe my early-onset myopia was an unconscious choice not to 'see' what went on with other FOO members, none of whom needed glasses until they were much older.
Quote... but sometimes being that disassociated person is a good place for me to be
Yes, I agree. When we're trapped in an intolerable situation we find the escape in our heads. One thing though, I'm learning to see the out-there persona as also me -- in fact more me than the scared and damaged 'me'. Like the Bard said, "We are all actors on the stage of life." I believe I can make a conscious choice to be more confident.
QuoteI've had 6 weeks of cbt to learn to sit with my feelings and be comfortable with who I am, I'm getting there with it
Yes. I had a recurring horrid thing where I would be okayish during the day, then as soon as the bedroom light went off my mind wouldn't switch off and I had something like a panic attack that I experienced as nausea in the region of my solar plexus. It often kept me awake for whole nights as I tried not to think about it. Now I'm doing better, not so do do do during the day and sleeping better at night.
I realise what I've been practising this past week is CBT, and I choose to believe my neural pathways are altering to more life-sustaining ways. This is a huge leap from wanting to be dead! :cheer:
i totally agree with you on your last sentence, candid. here's another :cheer:. you're doing great!
QuoteSo I went to the phone, rang the number and spoke to a pleasant female receptionist. I asked her whether the Traumatic Stress Service knew about CPTSD. She put it into her computer and told me no, so I told her: "I've been through more than one life-threatening situation -- I was raped at 19 and the man was threatening to kill me; and my first husband once pinned me to the bed holding a broken bottle in my face -- but I had PTSD-like symptoms before that. Complex PTSD most commonly begins in childhood. My parents, particularly my mother, abused me from infancy onwards."
Hi Candid, It's great the way you are getting on the phone and challenging their knowledge and understanding of CPTSD. :thumbup: Every trauma centre in the UK, in the US, in the world, should be well versed in C-PTSD now. There is no excuse for professional ignorance any more with so much information available. If there is ignorance, I can only imagine it must be political, that CPTSD doesn't fit with some political agenda. Maybe they would have to re-write their training courses, rethink their modalities and medications. Maybe they would have to stop calling it a disorder and acknowledge the brain injury aspect to CPTSD...Whatever it is, we need to exert pressure on them to wake up! I'm not afraid of doing this either... ;) It's a sorry state of affairs when we, the ones suffering from it, are more knowledgeable than the so-called 'experts'.
Quote from: Fen Starshimmer on March 25, 2017, 11:37:58 PMEvery trauma centre in the UK, in the US, in the world, should be well versed in C-PTSD now.
I agree. I'm sure this trauma service must have come across clients with CPTSD, whether the client recognises it or not. I only spoke to the receptionist, so it's still possible the practitioners know.
QuoteIf there is ignorance, I can only imagine it must be political, that CPTSD doesn't fit with some political agenda.
I would assume they find it too hard to treat, because it's all-encompassing, isn't it? And since this is a free service, I'm geared up for the likelihood that therapy is strictly time limited. That's a bit scary, because in my experience of longer-term therapy I've always felt much
worse after a few sessions, and I don't want to be left hanging.
QuoteWhatever it is, we need to exert pressure on them to wake up!
I'll always do my best on that score, too. :pissed:
QuoteIt's a sorry state of affairs when we, the ones suffering from it, are more knowledgeable than the so-called 'experts'.
Until CPTSD is acknowledged, and people get over the motherhood myth, it won't appear in the text books. That's what we're up against. And psychology doesn't like to acknowledge things it can't fix.
Hi Candid, thanks for your feedback. Here are a few more of my thoughts on this:
QuoteI agree. I'm sure this trauma service must have come across clients with CPTSD, whether the client recognises it or not. I only spoke to the receptionist, so it's still possible the practitioners know.
Some practitioners may be better informed, I hope so. Having done a fair bit of research into the suppression and banning of effective treatments for other serious illnesses eg cancer, I am starting to think CPTSD is the Elephant in the room, and there is a conspiracy to keep people at a level of managing their trauma with CBT and drugs (Big Pharma = Big Profit for drug companies), and limited talking therapy time.... under the guise of "austerity". In my experience a multidisciplinary approach, a holistic mind/body/spirit approach has yielded more significant benefits, but some of these would be dismissed as 'wacky' by mainstream medicine. Personally, I don't care what they think, if it works for me, that's what matters. It makes me sad that there is so much unnecessary suffering, knowing what I know now.
Pete Walker says CPTSD is often misdiagnosed, and I can quite believe it, having been misdiagnosed and dismissed multiple times by GPs and other NHS services. On his website, he says: 'In my experience, many clients with Complex PTSD have been misdiagnosed with various anxiety and depressive disorders, as well as bipolar, narcissistic, codependent and borderline disorders. Further confusion arises in the case of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder), as well as obsessive/compulsive disorder, which is sometimes more accurately described as an excessive, fixated flight response to trauma. This is also true of ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and some dissociative disorders which are similarly excessive, fixated freeze responses to trauma.'
QuoteUntil CPTSD is acknowledged, and people get over the motherhood myth, it won't appear in the text books. That's what we're up against. And psychology doesn't like to acknowledge things it can't fix.
I believe it's up to us to educate and inform people about CPTSD... There are probably multiple reasons for it being banned from the text books. We can't sit and wait for them to catch up. Life is too precious. Keep on speaking up and questioning therapists. This way, they will have to change. The tide of people demanding adequate treatment is too strong. Every step forward in our healing journey makes us stronger and more determined. Every breakthrough and every word of truth we utter will help light a way for the ones further behind us. We have to keep forging ahead, no matter the setbacks, which there are bound to be. Healing and recovery is like a treasure hunt. There are gems out there, but you've got to roll up your sleeves and do the digging around :)
Quote from: Fen Starshimmer on March 27, 2017, 08:23:31 PMI am starting to think CPTSD is the Elephant in the room, and there is a conspiracy to keep people at a level of managing their trauma with CBT and drugs
I had CBT about five years ago, ie. before I self-identified as the scapegoat and a trauma therapist told me about CPTSD. Medication hasn't helped me, as far as I know. My philosophy is, any medication that made this look okay would be dangerous. I agree with you about Big Pharma. IMO doctors are far too quick to prescribe their precious pills without being clear on what the pills
do.
QuoteIn my experience a multidisciplinary approach, a holistic mind/body/spirit approach has yielded more significant benefits, but some of these would be dismissed as 'wacky' by mainstream medicine. Personally, I don't care what they think, if it works for me, that's what matters.
I agree on both points. In hindsight, there were elements of CBT that were helpful and I've incorporated them in my personal toolbox. And it's obvious to me that I feel happier if I don't ruminate on the past, happier if I eat well and exercise regularly, happier if I have some form of daily spiritual practice. I was doing well with all that until I found out my father had died (six weeks previously) and no one had told me. That was when I plummeted into huge grief over the 'loss' of all my FOO, huge anger at the unfairness of it all, and huge fear for my future alone. I gave up caring about myself, just wished it was all over. I'm only just emerging from that and it's still wobbly.
QuotePete Walker says CPTSD is often misdiagnosed, and I can quite believe it, having been misdiagnosed and dismissed multiple times by GPs and other NHS services.
Me too. The most harmful was misdiagnosis with schizoaffective disorder a couple of years ago and being given heavy-duty psych meds against my will. If I hadn't left the country I'd still be forced to have a needle every month and two lots of pills every day (they did regular blood tests to ensure the latter).
QuoteOn his website, he says: 'In my experience, many clients with Complex PTSD have been misdiagnosed with various anxiety and depressive disorders, as well as bipolar, narcissistic, codependent and borderline disorders.'
Let's not forget 'mood disorder', which my long-term GP diagnosed. I've accessed my medical records and it's distressing to read what all these experts decided about me.
QuoteThere are probably multiple reasons for it [CPTSD] being banned from the text books.
For the majority of psychiatrists, if it can't be treated with pills it can't be acknowledged as a problem. And that has made me wonder lately what I want and expect from further therapy. The therapist who identified CPTSD for me was an EMDR practitioner. I believe it's worked for a lot of people, but two years of it did nothing for me -- and that was before Dad died.
So I'm not that bothered about this latest round of therapy -- which is just as well, because they're clearly not in any hurry to get to me. At this stage I think I'm going in to educate, quite a defended (defensive?) position. The last thing I want is to have them open up my can of worms then say: "That's it. Your six weeks (or whatever) is up. Good luck!"
Candid, and the rest of you in the UK, it sounds pretty bad! I'm so grateful that the country I'm living in seems to have more clue, and pays for more. I have been misdiagnosed here too but only by the occasional T or psychiatrist who came my way. I left, moved on to somebody different.
Once while in the UK I spoke to NHS and didn't say C-PTSD, but Type 2 Traumatisation and they understood...
(Abridged for personal reasons)
QuoteI spoke to NHS on the phone and didn't say C-PTSD, but Type 2 Traumatisation and they understood.
I had to look up Type 2 Traumatisation and found this: http://traumadissociation.com/trauma-abuse, from which I quote:
More often occurs in combination with other traumas or cumulatively (known as "polyvictimization"). Poly-V is new to me, and maybe therapists here will understand Type 2 rather than C. Thanks for that.
QuoteI'm going to delete this post in a day or two because I don't want it on here, revealing who I am, at least potentially.
I haven't (yet) mentioned the country FOO are in, which I fled from to the UK last August in order to get away from the enforced meds.
QuoteCandid, and the rest of you in the UK, it sounds pretty bad!
Pretty much everything in my last post happened Elsewhere. I'm very grateful for the help I'm getting in the UK with my acquired brain injury... acquired Elsewhere, that is. The Elsewhere health system completely ignored the fact that I'd just had a severe blow to the head when I fell into their clutches. :rolleyes:
I stand corrected, Candid. It's great if you're better supported in the uK than it looked at first reading. Thanks for the link. In my country there is some talk of Type 1 and 2 but I don't have an English-language link.
Don't mention the country FOO are in just to keep up with me!
Since your orginal post was about your long wait, I hope the wait turns out less long than expected and that you make some headway with Type 2 as a descriptor. :hug:
QuoteIn my country there is some talk of Type 1 and 2 ...
Sounds like it worked in the UK, though. From now on I'll be saying Type 2 trauma, aka Complex PTSD.
There are more and (so far) better services in the UK than where I come from, but there are also a lot more needy people which means the NHS is desperately overburdened. I know there are people in more desperate straits than I am; I see them on the streets, huddled in blankets and asking for "spare change". Even so, I'm hoping the trauma therapy will come up soon after the ABI group finishes; I need to be earning! Eyessoblue gives me hope of that possibility.
Thanks again for your support.
Just had a phone call from ****shire Trauma Service, in which I was told the waiting time for an assessment interview is eight or nine months. Then they decide whether they can help you... or not.
me: To be honest I don't think I'm going to live that long.
her: Let me give you some crisis numbers.
me: I've got all the crisis numbers. I don't want to go into hospital.
her: Sometimes we get cancellations. You might be lucky.
I got off the phone and started crying. H had come in from the other room when he heard me talking. He asked me if I wanted to go again to Findhorn, the intentional community where I had a very happy week in 2003. But things were different then. I was different then. I had a good job, a social life, pets, a nice place to live in. I liked who I was. I don't believe I can be that person again. I can't even remember how she had so much energy, because she took it for granted.
Why is it that CPTSD just keeps on getting worse? I'm dragging the weight of six decades of trauma, in which the head injury of 2015 appears to have been the final straw.
I pulled myself together with another cup of coffee and another cigarette, and reminded H I've been consulting therapists for more than half my life, with no appreciable improvement. So he went back to whatever he does.
I'm struggling to believe I must have one more run in me. I can't even care for myself; I've been unshowered and in the same clothes for three days. I'm just so tired.
It gets so tiring, doesn't it? At times I feel exhausted down to my marrow, it seems. I look back now at the things I accomplished when I was younger, and I wonder at the amount of energy I had. Am I really that same person?
Hang in there with me. I'll be beside you.
It's lovely to have you beside me, Three Roses. And I loved that America album, too. Specially I Need You.
We used to laugh
We used to cry
We used to bow our heads and
Wonder why.
But now you're gone
I guess I'll carry on
And make the best of
What you've left to me...
Hi candid, so sorry to hear this, I guess where you live in England depends on the service you get, I have I believe been very fortunate, I have today had my cbt appointment and then a referral to a specialised trauma therapist, they rung me an hour ago and I have my first appointment in three weeks time, I was shocked at how quick it was, I have had a lot of waiting for other appointments, but your wait does seem ridiculous, yes they might get a cancellation but they might not, so you have to struggle on in the mean time. Near where I live they have a counselling centre where it is contrbution based so doesn't cost too much money, is there anything like that near you that you could go to? Hate to think of you having to wait to be seen knowing myself how hard it is.
Eyessoblue, I'm genuinely happy you're being taken care of. I agree, my wait seems ridiculous... except when I think of a thousand people in similar bad shape, and we have to be seen in order. I mean, why can't I just set up a room and offer validation and comfort to some of those people, the way we do here on the forum? And again, what do I actually expect from therapy after decades of disappointment?
QuoteNear where I live they have a counselling centre where it is contrbution based so doesn't cost too much money, is there anything like that near you that you could go to?
I don't know. The only therapy I've had in this town was Talking Therapy, which was CBT-based (and free of charge). I now have a lot of actual life challenges as well as the CPTSD, and CBT (I learned a lot from it) doesn't work on this. :sadno:
It's lovely to have you and Three Roses either side of me. Thank you so much. :hug: I'm feeling a bit pepped up after H took us off to a pub. If I need to drink every day, so be it and hang the expense.
Yes that would be good if we could just set up some kind of comforting room to help all those people suffering out there, sometimes I think maybe I shouldn't be having help when there's got to be people so much worse off then me, don't get me wrong, I have days when I'm thinking about not being here anymore etc and real intense flashbacks that drive my anxiety crazy, but I know there's people worse then me, I said this to my last counsellor and she told me to give myself a break and start to put myself first for once and that I do matter and need to realise it. Thinking of you anyway and hope they do get a cancellation, you never know!
Quote from: Eyessoblue on April 07, 2017, 06:57:55 PMI have days when I'm thinking about not being here anymore etc and real intense flashbacks that drive my anxiety crazy, but I know there's people worse then me,
I don't think it gets worse than that, Eyessoblue. Thinking about not being here any more is my go-to practically every day.
QuoteI said this to my last counsellor and she told me to give myself a break and start to put myself first for once and that I do matter and need to realise it.
She was right. :hug:
Thanks candid that made me smile!
Finally got a letter informing me I have an appointment for assessment on August 29. It's the third or fourth interview I've had since I applied for trauma therapy, and I've run to the psych crisis team twice in that time as well as tried a number of GP-prescribed anti-Ds.
This latest round looks like I'm getting warmer. Fingers crossed, because I'm feeling like a wrung-out dishrag.
Crossing fingers, toes, everything! :applause:
I'm enjoying reading all of this, and looking forward to reading the next phases of this journey as they play out, if you feel moved to write about them Candid.
**Possible Triggers**
I want to talk about how great it is that you are willing to engage in therapy. That's a big deal that shouldn't be overlooked!
I am learning about my CPTSD using Pete Walker's book (have you guys got it? It's EXCELLENT!) I am definitely a scapegoated freeze/fawn, and very dissociative. My preferred way to keep safe was to isolate myself from all people everywhere. I had to eventually learn how to be around others in my late 20s, a few years ago, so that I could gain employment. But I still can't do true intimacy or vulnerability, and that is OK, I understand why that is.
Human relationships are far, FAR too triggering for me to even consider therapy. I've been a few times for initial appointments and terminated each one, because the territory of vulnerability is far too frightening for me. My body will not withstand it. The act of sitting and talking with a human about my inner self throws me immediately into a dissociative freeze response and my body pumps with adrenaline and panic. I stay on edge for days after. This is because I was so badly shamed and punished as a young person, for having emotions and for existing in general. It's because of crazy smear campaigns and physical/verbal/emotional abuse, humiliation and shame if I spoke.
Also, I do not have faith that therapists actually understand CPTSD.
Maybe that will change as I heal, maybe it won't, I'm OK with either scenario at this point, and I am so lucky to live in this digital age where I have access to truly healing material that can be delivered in a safe way that is comfortable and productive for me: books, online forums, etc.
But my experience does make me really admire people who give other humans a chance, people who take a shot and are brave and strong and powerful enough to show up to a therapy intake session with the intent to keep going to sessions. Because if you have CPTSD, other humans are like the original battlefield. It would be like a soldier with PTSD having to revisit the site of his original trauma once a week in order to access healing.
I think your showing up, putting up with the long wait, educating the lass on the phone, and all else you're covering here, really shows a lot about the resilience of the human spirit. It speaks to me of life-force always imbued with a bit of hope, reaching for possibilities, trying again through the exhaustion. I am not saying all this to compare you favorably to me or put myself down, because this book I'm reading has taken a lot of my negative self judgment down a few notches to a more sane, reasonable understanding. I just want to acknowledge your beauty in all this :hug: <----- hope hugs are OK. This long wait and multiple interviews and general appearance of incompetency would arm my inner protectors with plenty of reasons to stop the process, retreat, avoid therapy, and blame outside institutions for it all while victimising myself further. Then my inner catastrophisers would go on a 6 month binge of ruminating about how awful mental health care is, reaching further and further into conspiracy theories for me to drive myself mental about and depress myself more with. You have all those crazy options and you're not doing it. Awesome.
Thank you, Three Roses and fullofsoundandfury. There's a long questionnaire I have to take with me, and the letter made it clear this is an intake interview, NOT therapy. Naturally they're not concerned whether this is a suitable therapist, but whether I'm a suitable client. I wonder what that looks like? I also wonder how many people go straight in the too-hard basket. Talk about performance anxiety!
I'm not worried. I have my FOC here.
Hi candid, wow you've waited ages. For my assessment I basically had to tell my story yet again for the hundredth time then wait 3 weeks for them to discuss me and tell me where I need to go. As I've said to you before I have been fortunate on the NHS and I'm now on my 8th week of EMDR which has been quite difficult yet helpful, this weeks session was the one where I felt I actually achieved something, my anxiety feels a lot better this week. My therapist who is really lovely has told me that EMDR isn't enough for me and I'll need to carry on seeing her afterwards for psychotherapy which is good as I don't feel I'm being thrown out once this process has finished. I guess unlike you I've been really lucky and am in a good place therapy wise. I wish you all the best and look forward to hear how your appointment goes.
The letter I received made it explicit that I won't be telling my story at this interview. However, the accompanying questionnaire is very long, including a list of traumas for me to tick 'happened to me', 'witnessed happening' or 'heard about it'. I was surprised at how many of the things happened to me. Because there's also the standard questionnaires about how many times in the past two weeks have you felt this, that and the other, I had a quick look and put it away -- but I don't recall 'adverse childhood experience' or 'ostracised by FOO' on the list.
I'm encouraged to know you're down for further therapy after the EMDR. I often think I must be the world expert at hiding bad feelings, looking okay, and carrying on. Without that I would have gone under financially long ago. It could be a long haul for any therapist who takes me on, and I want to make sure the current situation isn't the focus.
One thing I can't work on by myself is affect regulation. When things are going relatively well I can shoot up to the point where I need sleeping pills. That sets me up for a crash, after which I'll only drag on if I have appointments such as a job to go to. Otherwise I go into a dark space where I shut myself away. The Grand Old Duke of York comes to mind -- and BTW, bi-polar was ruled out long ago. The 'high' feels good only in comparison to my baseline. I've often thought this is how it's supposed to feel.
So... I go along at the end of the month with the filled-out questionnaires, and with a bit of luck I'll be at a functional stage in my cycle. I think my white hair must speak for itself, and I've had that for 25 years.
candid, you can't perform badly. they can have a narrow perspective or not be prepared or competent enough to deal with trauma victims. no matter what happens, sweetie, you can't do it wrong - only they can.
i'm glad you're finally getting somewhere with this. i know it's been an awfully long wait for you. you've hung tough thru it all, even if it's been messy at times. good for you.
will certainly be there with you, standing right beside you. you've got this. we'll all be with you. big hug.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 03, 2017, 06:55:10 AM
you can't do it wrong - only they can.
That's what worries me! But I see what you mean. Just go along however I happen to be on the day, with the filled-out questionnaire. The 'right' therapist ought to be able to see through any bravado I might have going on... and lord knows I don't want another of the many 'wrong' ones. Eyessoblue's experience has shown me I need to avoid making a too-quick decision as to right or wrong. That always feels like a tough call re. the instinct injury/boundaries issue.
Quotewe'll all be with you. big hug.
I know. I have a huge welling-up of gratitude for the level of support and caring here. When RL fails, as it has for me for a very long time now, my FOC here gives me the strength and the insights
not to descend into Hopeless.
Well whaddya know, I'm back on this thread!
The assessment-for-trauma-therapy doctor was very nice, I liked her on sight. As some of you know, I'm running on a couple of hours' (if any) sleep a night atm. It's become interesting, daily diary entries just running into each other, if you know what I mean. Last night was odd, because on my ONE Pill B (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=6094.0 page 5 post 35, if you can be bothered...) I dropped around 9.30 and woke bang on midnight. You might say I'm living the dream, in which I get an 'alert' when I'm about to cross the road.
She told me after half an hour that I don't fit the profile for PTSD. Of course I did our spiel. She had a tick-box list of my traumas -- wish I'd photocopied that, because on a full A4 page there were only four or five where I ticked "doesn't apply to me". Nowhere on that list was there anything about long-term interpersonal trauma or ACE.
She quite rightly observed that the present bout of acute insomnia (in decades of chronic) is overlaying everything else. She understood when I said the cigarettes and coffee are what enabled me to hold a job all those years, and presently, to do anything at all. (Coffee is now decaf only, which has some caffeine in it, and none at all after noon. Cigarettes are on the way out.)
She agreed that I have CPTSD. :cheer:
She told me that the waiting list for trauma therapy is eight months long. From NOW. Yes, she was aware I've already waited (officially and on record) for the eight months since January, and she apologised for that. I cited Eyessoblue's experience as a comparison, but I was already fully aware it depends on where you are in the UK. (So now we know, Eyessoblue, we won't be sitting unawares in the same waiting room!)
She further said she would recommend psychotherapy, not trauma therapy, to start with. She's going to call me next Tuesday, and asked me to list my many psychological interventions to figure out what helped and what didn't. Naturally I did that in the attic overnight, and it was a salutory experience.
In the meantime, she was going to "have a think about it" and consult her colleagues.
The catch is -- and I'm sure you realised there would be one -- the place where she works doesn't do psychotherapy. She knows a place that does, and the people there, but naturally she couldn't predict when I might be able to see someone.
When I got 'home' I asked MIL How did it go? because she'd been to a funeral. So I heard about that (I'm having a LOT of trouble listening to detailed accounts these days!), then she asked me how I got on, and I told her it's still :Idunno: this year, next year, sometime, never.
I am always coherent in writing, albeit long-winded. I wrote a BBT episode in the middle of the night under anaesthetic right after facial reconstruction surgery. I told H last night, I've actually written underwater. He looked dubious, so I reminded him I lived for years close to the Great Barrier Reef, where divers are sometimes issued slates and special pens. :rofl:
Writing is the last thing to go. And BTW, a guernsey (Aussie slang) to Younger Sis for bringing me a wee notebook and pen while I was in the nuthouse about 25 years ago for my first bout of acute.
It's up to me, then. Of course it is. If I hadn't got that through my skull by now I was never going to get it -- and I realise I wouldn't have it any other way.
Quote from: Candid on August 30, 2017, 07:43:39 AM
She agreed that I have CPTSD. :cheer:
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
:thumbdown: :pissed: on the further 8 months wait though!
Hey candid, glad your appointment went well and the diagnosis but the wait is rubbish! Obviously we won't be sitting in the same waiting room lol! I'm wondering if they'll suggest EMDR for you? That seems to be the latest "fix" in the uk for ptsd/trauma and I have to say it does work, I'm on a bit of a go slow with it due to disassociation I've yet again learned to pull that invisible blanket over my eyes when I dont want to remember, but my psychologist is lovely and wants to do 6 weeks of trauma therapy ( talking) then go back into EMDR and process all the crap that has come up with it. I have processed a lot of things and it's worked really well and can't access it anymore at all which is pretty amazing! I just wanted to say if they do offer it to you definitely give it a go, I was more then reluctant to do it but am glad that I have. Good luck and hope the waiting is shorter then the 8 months, I was obviously very lucky with my short wait.
candid, i'm so happy for you that you finally got the correct diagnosis. like the others, i hate the fact that you'll have to wait so long before you can actually get in to see someone. that totally sucks.
hang tough, sweetie - you know we're hanging right beside you. hopefully, that talk with her colleagues will produce some quicker results for you. big loving hug to you.
Eyessoblue, she refused EMDR at this stage -- I'm dissociating badly because I'm not sleeping -- and she agreed with what your T did: halting EMDR temporarily to slow things down and work with psychotherapy on processing what had come up for you.
I had EMDR for a couple of years 2012-2013 and made no headway, being in constant crisis as people with CPTSD tend to be. The T I saw this week did confirm that (as I thought at the time) the previous EMDR T's technique wouldn't have shifted a thing; she could have been waving her drumstick in my face for a couple of decades and it wouldn't have made a bit of difference.
So probably no more EMDR for me, at least for a very long while, seeing as the psychotherapy to prepare me for it isn't on the books yet!
It seems every few years I have some doctor tell me, with a straight face and not missing a beat, that I'm too unwell right now for them to help me. I doubt I'm the only person on the forum who's heard that. Is it me, or is this more of the lol madness people with CPTSD live with? You're right. I know :lightbulb:, how about I go away and get back to you when I'm better?
Candid, it's ridiculous isn't it, like seriously how unwell do you need to be before they can help you, surely you fit a 'criteria" that you need to be seen sooner rather then later, I guess as I keep saying I have been lucky with hardly any waiting and really must depend on where you live as to the help you get. Keeping my fingers crossed that you're wait isn't as long as they say it will be.
Thanks, Eyessoblue. I'm doing some work on my own now, because clearly I have no option. I've been in this situation more times than I care to think about. There's something about "one door closes, another one slams in your face" that galvanises whatever energy I have left and moves me forward.
So here I am, doomed to be ever the baby who cried and nobody came. I'm okay with that -- in fact I'm not sure how I'd cope if someone did.
Thanks for popping in here, hereforhope, and for your good wishes.
QuoteThank you for the support you gave me. I dont think I deserve it.
You don't need to deserve it, but of course it's up to you what you do with it.
QuoteHope therapy goes well...
For the latest update, see my Letter to a therapist, http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=7545.0
Four copies of that letter are going out today; two more have gone out via email. Activism is where it's at for me now.
you go, girl! can't keep a good woman down, as some wise friend said to me. hah!
That's quite the journey since arriving in the UK, Candid. Thanks for sharing. You strike me as incredibly strong, in terms of how much and for how long you have persevered.
I couldn't follow the link either, but am intrigued to hear what you've said to the psychotherapist.
Keep going and when possible - rest. I know there are times when this can't happen, but perhaps you could find little ways of allowing this.