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11-2-17 - I read a good article by Pete Walker last night about abandonment depression.  I'm feeling my typical abandonment melange/depression the last few days.  The article on his website was very interesting and he contends that feeling depression can be therapeutic if it's not shamed (typical of the worldview that depression is a character defect) and processed by staying with the feelings and observing them so they can be integrated.  He gets pretty deep in the article and I like the idea of not automatically trying to avoid my depressive episodes with one of my 4F responses.  I agree that the typical American worldview tends to be "happiness is the only healthy state of being", which I think is BS.  I'm not saying that I enjoy my depression but I'm starting to honor it and process it in a different way.  First, I usually can't avoid it, so it's inevitable.  Also, I feel it's a healthy reaction to years of trauma and self-abandonment.  That stuff is sad and wrong and the feelings it produced can't be simply pushed aside.

Over the past months, I have been trying to stay with those feelings and "notice" them.  I haven't done this in a while so last night I tried it again.  I was feeling very low and it was affecting me mentally and physically.  Mentally, I noticed that my critic was trying to disassociate by making up stories in my head.  Also, I was craving sugar and bread.  Instead of eating a bunch of unhealthy food and spacing out watching TV, I found a quiet room and laid down.  It was hard to stay with my feelings but I was able to do it after coming back to my awareness over and over.  Here is what I noticed:

Noticing my body (Somatic) reaction:  The most noticeable sensation was in my stomach.  It started with the ball of slightly painful emotion in my stomach.  It felt like a balloon that had a dull ache on the outside.  I tried to stay with it and it would pulse with more and slightly less intensity.  Also, I feel aching in my chest, more near the sides under my armpits.  After extended attention of these sensations I intuitively knew that I've had these physical feelings all my life, especially during depressive episodes.  I also remembered that the original fear that started these feelings was way more painful and intense.  Instead of trying to suppress the feelings I stayed with them.  It was hard at times to try and keep myself from tensing up.

TRIGGER WARNING: Brief Descriptions of Emotional, Mental and Physical Abuse

Noticing my thinking:  While focussing on the physical feelings, every once in a while I would have a memory of my mother in a rage state,  her face gigantic and red while screaming at me (maybe pre-verbal memory as I couldn't understand the words in the memory).  I had a few memories of being hit and thrown around, again my mom seemed very large so I think this was pre-verbal.  Also, memories of being left alone in strange places (rooms I've never seen) and feeling extreme fear.  The hardest memories to stay with were the shadow figures in a darkened room.  They were looking at me and moving toward me.  I had to sit up at one point as this was too much.  My chest would start shaking while these memories came up.  It was very hard not to disassociate, and I would occasionally by going numb or sitting up.  Luckily, the scariest memories were very brief.  Back and forth, back and forth, I kept bringing my attention back to noticing my body and allowing my thoughts.  I feel that these are the things that fuel my ongoing depression just under my awareness.  This was significant for me.  I was having moments of being mindful of what usually causes internal alarms to sound.  I may never have full remembrance, and I'm not really seeking that.  I want to learn to feel and integrate the painful feelings if possible.

End Trigger Warning

I grieved and cried after about 30 minutes of doing this.  I felt physically drained but also some relief.  Mainly, I have much less shame about my depression.  At the end of Walker's article, he talks about honing "staying present with depressive feelings" to a point of a sort of spiritual experience.  That sounds cool but I'm nowhere near that point.  I don't know why I was able to do this.  I think I'm ready to really explore my feelings.  I think I'm starting to see they won't destroy me.  They sure do hurt sometimes though and I still fall into the 4Fs.  I'm also working against a part of myself that likes disassociation, maybe even loves it (inner critic, inner child?).  I still find myself in daydreams of when I was acting out on all sorts of process addictions and substance addictions.  It's been many years since I have used mind altering substances but only a short time on the other addictions and I'm still addicted to sugar and caffeine.

I'm glad I'm still journalling about this and that this community is here.  I'm meeting a friend at an ACA meeting tonight and will talk to him about this as well.  I'm grateful for recovery and this community and a safe place to share.

I feel emotional neglect and abandonment are just as painful and damaging as other forms of abuse.  My F barely even looked at me unless he was drunk and my M would either rage, shame or ignore me.  I had to figure everything out for myself and was never taught anything.  The only value that was passed on was unspoken until I found it in black and white in the ACA big red book - "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel".  I grew up unable to relate to people, accept praise or nurture, or practice self care.  Therapy and various recovery programs are providing a path but I'm still experiencing the pain and grief of being alone all those years.  The hardest thing was the self-imposed isolation that resulted.  I'm moving out of it though.  Identification was the first step toward finding that path.  There are lots of paths and I relate to being careful to not step on the wrong one. 

Yes, I have that issue as well, though it's improved some.  I have heard it called "splitting" or "black and white thinking".  What ever it is I have had this issue since I can remember.  To the best of my knowledge, I think that this was grooved into my brain from the 1000s of times I had a bit of hope that my M and F showed the littlest bit of attention or acceptance to me as a child.  I usually felt fear and shame most of the time with very short, very few periods of acceptance, attention or kindness.  Everything in my childhood seemed either all bad or all good.  But mostly bad.

My defense against the bad feelings is typically numbing out or the mental "fight" response.  I developed this with other people, subconsciously,  to keep myself from feeling the intensity of abandonment rupture or shame by disliking them or being emotionally numb in anticipation of rejection.  Often I would either feel strong love or ambivalence and it could change from day to day.  This type of thinking is present in other aspects of my life as well.  I get interested in things intently and then lose all interest.  I have been able to reduce this some and "re-grove" my thinking, but it continues to be a long, hard process.  I started intensely grieving (crying, verbal ventilation, fully emoting and angering) in the safety of group therapy and it has reduced the amount and intensity of my splitting.  I also read and re-read Pete Walkers books which go into more detail on this and give a good roadmap for the grieving process.

I know how painful it can be going back and forth with strong emotions.  I'm so sorry for your pain.  I was in a long relationship with someone where we both had this type of thinking and it was so painful for both of us.  I wish I had a forum or was in therapy at the time as it was the lowest point of my life.  Years later I have some healing reflection but also a lot of sadness over it.  Luckily, we both found a path though we parted ways long ago.  I truly feel that this type of thinking and feeling can be managed and is an injury from my trauma and not my DNA or "just how I am".  I guess I'm saying there is hope, and I stand with you.  Wishing you serenity.   

Thank you so much for sharing your inner life decimal.  You are heard and very talented at writing your inner experience.  I completely relate but feel that I can't express what is in my head most of the time.  I admire how you can interact with your inner children.  I know I have inner children as well but they have only communicated with me in group therapy.  I'm not at the point yet where they trust me.  What is weird is they trust my T and most of my group members, but not just me.  I've tried a few things like meditation (which I'm not good at yet) and opposite hand writing with no real results.  They will grieve (cry) and anger if I give them a safe place. 

May I ask you how you got to the point where you can understand what they are telling you?  How did you get them to start communicating with you?  I really relate to your experiences and am greatly appreciative that you are on this forum.

But then, she said something surprising and out of the blue. She said that she always looked forward to her sessions with me. That she found our sessions interessting, and that I am motivated for change and do the work, even during the weeks when things are more challening than usual, or when I am unmotivated generally like I am now. I felt that she was telling me that I was an important patient of hers, and that she really enjoys my company and our conversations. She couldn't look me in the eye when she told me this, it made me think she was a little embarrassed to say it. I was stunned. And all I could muster was a quiet thank you. I will try and tell her next week that it meant alot for me to hear that. I am not good with voicing my emotions, or telling people that they matter to me, or what they say matter to me. But this mattered. And I've been thinking of it ever since.

I think this is so cool.  I've always heard that T's are supposed to be impersonal but think that it is important that they show genuine interest in the well being of their clients.  My T has expressed similar interest and it meant a lot to me, like she was invested in her work with me and a deep sense that I was heard.  It sounds like you found a good T for you and that you are both invested in the strong, brave and wonderful person that you are.  Good work and thank you for sharing.

Thanks for the encouragement decimal and sanmagic!  I do feel pretty lucky that I found my T and the group therapy.  Crying or showing any emotion was always hard for me because it was punished harshly in my FOO.  Now that I have been grieving it's been easier and very healing.  It's still hard and the nurture was a pretty big step.  It's great to have a community of people who understand and can relate to all of this.  Thanks so much to all you for hearing me!   

10-30-17 - I had my Group Therapy tonight after missing last week and I'm so grateful I went.  I've been pretty numb and have had a hard time concentrating.  I started with a talk piece and discussed my stuffing feelings, numbing out and disassociation.  My T suggested pacing and verbalizing - just letting what came out come out.  I did and it started as mild annoyance and then some anger and just a bit of sadness.  As soon as I felt sad I stopped and said I wanted to stop.  Then my T suggested nurture.  I said no - this really scared me because I haven't been able to accept nurture in Group yet.  The whole group gently encouraged it and I ended up giving in.  After a few minutes of accepting nurture I started to cry and then deeply grieve.  It was good and hard and frightening.  I had to fight the urge to pull away as nurture doesn't feel right.  I stayed with it and felt like I got a lot of stuck feelings out.  I felt lighter but out of it after the meeting. 

My group members and T are amazing.  I've been with them for quite a while now and they are really the only people I trust (in person) to express my childhood stuff and to witness my grief, anger and emotion.  I'm glad I didn't skip group because I really did consider it.  The scary thing is I was only gone one week.  It's just that the week was harder than I thought and shows I still have so much recovery to do.  I'm going to try and grieve and meditate as much as I can this week.  I'm thankful I have this forum to get support as well.

10-28-17 - The work audit ended yesterday.  It went well from a results standpoint.  It was a hard week.  I seemed to disassociate a lot if I wasn't hyper focused on the task at hand.  The result to my inner life was a massive amount of stuffing feelings with constant obsession.  Though I think I "looked" good, and truly did well, I feel very disconnected to myself.  Prior to last week I had been working pretty diligently on getting into my body and feeling my feelings.  One week, and I feel like I'm back to being numb but for the "ball of something" in my stomach.  I remember this "ball" but it used to hurt more - I guess I can be grateful that it's not as intense as it used to be.  Friday ended with a bunch of accolades and "pats on the back" from my boss and team members.  I didn't feel anything, it didn't mean anything to me.  There is a disconnect with people.  I can act engaged and present at work but it's like I flip a switch and can be that person.  It's not me.  It's not that I don't like these people, it's that I don't let anyone really know me.  I feel as isolated as ever, just more aware of the isolation.  The fact that it is self imposed, but occurs anyway, is going to make me really sad again once I can start feeling again.  Ug.

So I had this self care stuff that I set in place and did pretty well at the beginning of the week.  As the week went on and the work got more intense, I found it difficult to do anything but think about work, work, and sleep.  Today, Saturday, I slept in some but woke up with that numb feeling and it stayed most of the day.  I went to a recovery meeting and I felt the same.  None of my inner circle were there and I stayed pretty distant.  I have my therapy group on Monday.  I will talk about this and ask for a suggestion on work to get me back into my feelings.  I know I have to grieve again but I don't want to.  Willingness has always been my strongest attribute in my recovery process and I feel like it's slipped away some.  I really don't think it's permanent but I'm worried that I'll start in on process addictions if I don't be careful.  Getting this out is a good step.  Going to therapy on Monday will help too.  I'm dreading work.  I wish I could/would connect with people.  I'm lonely and feeling the old familiar abandonment - it's self abandonment I'm sure.  This is the step back part I guess.  I'm glad I wrote this.  I'll watch a sad movie later maybe.  That sounds weird but it helps me move feelings around sometimes.  Yeah.

More beautiful, powerful work.  You are very talented and your work speaks to me.  Thank you again for sharing!

I will light a candle too, San, and send healing thoughts and prayers your way.  Even in your pain and trials I've seen you show beautiful kindness to others, including me, and the power of your strong heart will come back to you through the others you have supported.  Blessings, health, and love through all of this.   

That is so awesome Blueberry!  This is something I'm working on as well and having a hard time with.  It's inspiring to hear that you have noticed the grief, felt it without disassociation and processed it.  Thank you for sharing.   

Your Art is so beautiful!  Thank you for sharing and please keep sharing.  I just found your work and it is amazing.  I think I'm one of those people who were born to appreciate art rather than produce it I think.  I wish I could draw or paint what is in my dreams sometimes.

Welcome Jmama, just wanted to say "you're not crazy" and I identify with those feelings.  I am 51 and things are still coming up sometimes.  This is a great place for information, identification, recovery and loving support.

Thank you so much for the encouragement and identification sanmagic, it feels good to be heard.  I am very much looking forward to my time off and, hopefully, walking through the fear and triggering situations with some growth.   

10-19-17 - Today I was productive at work, which doesn't mean that it was a good day.  I'm in "excessive busyness" mode at work because of all that's going on (audit, authority figures, corporate hoo ha, etc.).  My self care during work has taken a back seat to some frantic energy and it drains me.  I feel like an alien trying to pass off as a human. 

I think I have to face that I will be going through this until next Friday.  I'm worried that I will spiral to the depths again.  What is really hard is the "stuffing feelings" during work.  I'm so amped up after work that I can't feel them until I it's time for me to go to bed and then I can't get to sleep.  Tonight I've set aside time for yoga which is good.  Also, I'm still doing my morning breathing, affirmations and prayers and telling my inner child that we are safe.  It helps.

Tomorrow will be very busy with driving in traffic to three different places.  I'm taking time off the first week of November.  I think I'll go somewhere near the water and spend a week grieving.  It might sound weird, but that sounds pretty good to me right now.  Since I started the grieving process, it feels uncomfortable to stop, even temporarily, since it's obvious to me I have so much suppressed despair, anger and fear.  Stopping all together wasn't really the plan but I can't come in to work drained at this time.  I'm just figuring this stuff out anyway and probably don't know what I'm doing.  It's a process, I know, and there are seasons, I know, but this will test me for sure.  I've never been cut out, internally, for the corporate world.  What sucks, to me, is that I'm good at my job.  That sounds weird too, I know, but I'm down and feeling pretty disassociated.  I'm glad I can journal and that there is some awareness.   I'm glad I'm here.  I'm glad I'm not alone in this stuff.  I'm glad I still have hope.