Emmy Winning Acting

[KayFly]

Hey there,

I just realized something has been coming up for me a lot lately, and it must be addressed, and I'm very interested to see what other's experience with this is because I am sure there is some really in depth experience on this forum, with being a good actor for survival.

The other day I was in therapy, and although I have an EMDR Therapist, sometimes we just talk, because I'm basically coming from a place of complete isolation, to integrating back into society which takes a lot of processing, so I need to talk a lot, and sometimes EMDR is just not what we do. ANYWAYS, so I realized I was more than halfway through the session, and I needed to like "fill the session" and I was so nervous. Then I disassociated. I told her that I disassociated and we tried to explore why, but I couldn't identify it.  Very strangely, right before I really disassociated, I like watched the room morph into my childhood home where all the trauma happened. It was one of the weirdest experiences/sensations of my life. It was like I was in a dream or hallucinating, but then I came back in the room.

Oh god, okay I'm going to try to stay on point. I had to dig really deep for this, but basically I don't completely trust my T yet, not because she's untrustworthy or not a good T, but because I have a general distrust for the human race, and my way of avoiding confronting that, is by putting on a phenomenal acting performance. Which is what I did, after my fearful experience...I filled the rest of the session with pointless words, because I wanted to have something to say, because I was afraid of what I really needed to say, which was that I was in an immense amount of fear and pain.

I feel like I have been acting as a survival skill for a long time. I always pretend everything is okay because it was unsafe for me to not be okay when I was younger. I did it in class today, I did it when I emailed my teacher tonight, I do it in therapy, etc. I act all the time.

The beautiful thing for me, is that I am actually an actress, and that is my field of study, so I have a knack for it naturally, but the truth is that to be an actor you have to really know yourself, and so for me this is a challenge in being truthful with myself.

But I am so conditioned to acting, and being authentic about my feelings around others is very difficult. I always thought I was so real about how I felt. And maybe I am at times (especially, the only writing part of me that you see), but I truly put on a performance everyday of my life. I'm tired of it. I'm exhausted. I feel sick to my stomach. This is not a show, this is my life, and I'm tired of acting like I'm acting for an Emmy. UGH but if I really showed how I felt sometimes, I wouldn't feel safe, because how I feel is so wildly angry or sad or whatever.

Thank you for reading. I think I am a bit overwhelmed right now. Has anyone broken their pattern of acting inauthentically about their feelings around others? What was that process like?  What are other's experiences with acting to protect yourself? Do some of you still do this as well?

  any feedback is good 

[woodsgnome]

You stole my lines, to use an acting metaphor. Everything you say about the fear, the act, the "general distrust of the human race," the dissociation.

Then my reviewer kicks in, no Emmy as I always screw up my own act, then I hate myself, critique everything I did or said, all of what the other person(s) said, how they looked at me, what it meant, and I'm so tired I need to retreat if I can--if it's emotionally bad enough I could end up wanting to sleep it off if I can, and that usually fails miserably, I don't sleep until full zombie effect sets in, by which time I'm a mess.

And yes, I'm a highly-touted actor besides, in more formal settings but especially street theatre spontaneous sorts of gigs, which bleeds into the "everyday" act. I can also rely on lots of humour to get me by, all the while masking the pain I feel inside. The one good takeaway is that people enjoy it, the act; but sadly, why can't I? 'cause it gnaws at me, knowing what the others don't about my inability to be myself. Trouble is, the act can be so good people don't want to accept me without what they think is "me".

Then when I'm alone I can be in self-conscious *. Critique that too...relaxation in a beautiful relaxed environment that I've carefully built to feed my needs, and I judge that as a failure when in fact it's the life I created in my desperate search for peace. 

You ask the million-dollar question, about breaking the pattern. Sometimes it feels a little better, only to recede. I CAN feel okay, but it's rare as the old pattern is soooooooo ingrained. Part of it is the endless coverup of what I really want, as I'm so afraid...and appear so confident, friendly, and it's just mostly act. And sometimes it's that very act that allows people to walk all over me--they LOVE my act, but I wonder if they really love me. It's a hard one, 'cause I kinda know I don't love me either....oh, it hurts, and oh, it's so depressing to live with this.

But I'm learning to accept that maybe the friendly "act" is a part of "me"--maybe I "really" am like that. And just maybe I deserve to "act" that way, when I think of the long road up from where it all went bad as a kid, when I punched plaster walls out in angry fits, ran away, and dissociated frequently around adults--which I still do, the act covers for me. Living in my own headspace so much I became creative and that felt better than the rest. Part act, but I'll accept whatever I can find that my inner critic can't beat me up for.

There's one other thin line of realization that helps, though. And that is when I ask myself the question, isn't at least some of everyone's life a bit of an act? One often hears the reference to good role models...um, well, how real is the role if it's put that way? A T plays his/her role, a teacher likewise, on and on, it seems. And when someone says "I should get my act together" they're probably not reflecting on Shakespeare's "All the world's a stage." So maybe it's all about degrees of the role or something.

That does nothing, of course, to truly break the  fear/act/critique/self-hate cycle I revert to. Then I feel compelled to cover up the act with another act to disguise it. 

This will seem odd, but it feels good to know I'm working on it--or can. And mix in some sorely needed self-compassion. Some self-compassion? Need to increase the order on that item!

Wow--it's pretty rare to run into a post that says exactly how I feel, but yours "stole the words" from me. So, like we often find out here, we're not alone. 

[tired]

Acting gives me control.  No one knows me and no one will; I'm always playing a role and they believe it.  I lie a lot about very inconsequential things just for the sake of not giving any part of me to anyone.

[arpy1]

omg, it's like i have read those 3 posts and thought, is it me saying that or is it them? becos almost everything that's been said describes me and my life right up to the day when i pulled up the drawbridge and went into total isolation.

even now, when i have to go and see my son, or talk to my daughter on the fone,  or go to  the shops or the gym or the library (really those are the only things i do), i consciously have to don my masks... the Mum mask, the Being with Strangers mask, even, sometimes, if i'm strong, the Passing the Time of Day Politely with Strangers mask. nobody must ever know.

the ironic thing is i really wanted to be an actor, but my mum laughed at me when i told her and sang 'Don't Put your Daughter on the Stage, Mrs Worthington' and i was so deeply hurt and  humiliated i never spoke of it again. ironic also because i'd probably have made a damn fine one!
i have always pretended, it was the only way i could kind of blend in with normal people.

do any of them sense the screaming sobbing woman who hides in my head? not if i can help it.

exhausting, yep.  at least here on this site, i don't have to wear a mask, if i don't want to. i can show as little or as much of the pain inside as i want. and know that there's a mutuality and a compassion that feels so much safer than 'out there'. it's as much as i can manage right now. i admire those of you who are ready to re-engage becos i am still a long way from that.

[KayFly]

Thank you all for sharing. Woodsgnome I didn't know I stole your phrasing. Im sorry if I upset you. I hope you come to a place in your life where you can feel safe being authentic about your feelings, but I'm glad you have times of feeling okay.

Tired, I see how acting can give us more control. I'm just at a point in my life where I would like to share myself with others and overcome my sabotage in relationships or being closed off. I often shut people out or try to stir something up and ruin relationships because I don't want to live in the fear of the unknown, or being in something new and healthy. I'm beginning to face those fears now so I can share myself with others and have healthy relationships. I appreciate what you said. It helped me identify that.

Arpy I'm glad you find safety here and I love your excitement toward healing and willingness to look at these things. I hope you can find a path toward authenticity with yourself and your family for better health.

Thank you again for sharing. It really helps. I am so tired and recovering from an asthma attack/panic attack that caused a physical injury in my chest and a little bummed I couldn't paricipate in my normal activities today because of it.  You all help alot by being honest here and I feel like we all are definitely making making steps forward into authenticity with ourselves just by sharing these truths.

I hope you all are well. 

[BigGreenSee123]

I took a few acting classes over the course of my life - each of them made me incredibly anxious. And yet I have been blown away to hear (on more than one occasion) people refer to me as a friendly, social, confident person. Meanwhile I sit inside my own mind in any situation that involves people wondering when and how I can run away. I guess I can act when it counts.

They've caused me a lot of trouble, my masks. I know the party line is that they were constructed as a means of protection and I don't disagree. But I also would be lying if I said I wasn't somewhat resentful for their presence. I feel disconnected from just about everything because, in a way, I AM disconnected from everyone - they only ever get to see the persona I've created. The expertly crafted cool, smart, always unperturbed, "I'm fine," comical, calm me. The opposite of the girl who paces back and forth in the bedroom in the midst of a panic attack or spaces out when the T uses any language that suggests a tone of intimacy.

I am working on it, though. And, despite the snail's pace (God, it's such an agonizingly slow process!), I think there are some signs of progress. I am far from where I'd like to be, of course. But, I am also closer than I've ever been.

KayFly - I think it's a step in the right direction that you see what you're doing, that you're recognizing the mask is there. That's the first step, right? Over time I expect you will notice it more and more and then one day you'll notice it right before you put it on. And then, maybe, instead of saying "I'm fine" when you're not or making a joke about something that you actually think is painful or filling in the silences with meaningless words instead of crying like you'd really like to do, you'll stop - and you'll be able to actually make the choice not to slip the mask on. That's what I hope for all of us at least.

woodsgnome - I find what you said about the act actually being a part of you really interesting. Is the mask truly a mask or is it that old inner critic telling me that there's no way I could be a friendly, confident person? Or is it somehow a combination of the two? I'll be pondering that one...

[woodsgnome]

to KayFly

KayFly wrote:

"I didn't know I stole your phrasing. Im sorry if I upset you."

No, no, and no--I was kidding. I didn't mean that you "stole" anything literally--I was trying to express it in acting terminology, is all, and I'm mad at myself for not making that clear. What I meant was that everything you said was spot on and reflects how I feel about hiding behind my Emmy-winning act, like you said of your own.

I do this hiding so well to the point of being misunderstood and/or creating an "image" so well that others don't even accept me any other way, as in my real self. And that it saddens me when that happens and I can't truly connect. And your way of saying it was exactly how I'd put it.

And the worst is when I acquiesce, and give up trying to ever show an authentic self, which only exacerbates the loneliness in the vicious cycle of that traps us in certain roles. I do this sort of self-sabotage over and over, and ruin relationships, or just back away from any assuming that I'll never be understood.

How well I know those asthma symptoms, and it's awful you have to endure those now, as an after-effect of cptsd. You're  already carrying a huge emotional load and to have it morph into physical pain is discouraging, which only seems to increase its impact. I once broke a rib during an intense asthma attack, which led to an ambulance run--the nearest hospital being 40 miles away didn't help the pain any.

Take good care--the spirit you express here is truly amazing. It's pretty hard to see where and how we'll make those next steps, but we came this far, we can make the journey through. And that may be the most "authentic" part we can be proud to claim.

[arpy1]

thanku for your kind words, Kayfly. 

i hope u are feeling a bit better today. take it easy won't you!

[Jdog]

Hello, friends-

Reading all the truth that you have written about "the act" was helping me be reflective about my own acting.  As a teacher, it is imperative that I don a mask of sorts each day.  This mask is in a way a protective device but also contains the "being around young people" set of standards that is meant to showcase values and/or ways of being that I intentionally am emphasizing for the good of the order.  Underneath this veneer (or highlighted portion of my personality, whichever) I must be authentic or else the students will quickly figure out my "game" and act badly.  They are quite empathic and always know when I am not at ease with myself.  I think that when I am ungrounded, they feel unsafe.  It is a huge and exhausting challenge to be both "me" and wear my instructional mask for hours each day, but I guess that is the gig.

For years, I could not be in touch with the true "me" as I am a lesbian and feared being "discovered" by students, who would then run home and tell their parents and cause problems for me.  Things are different in thre U.S. ever since the June 26th ruling by the Supreme Court that our marriages are legal in all 50 states.  I have been ever more comfortable with that portion of my persona for a number of years now, and what a relief, I mean to tell you. 

So yes, I understand very well about masks and the various purposes to which one applies them. I applaud everyone's efforts to both function in the wider world while struggling with the old "who I am really, and how much of that can be allowed out" question.  We are all incredibly brave.  Just keep working on showing up for yourself each day, and I believe that the rest will come in time.  Incredibly slow, demanding work?  For sure, but what choice do we have?

Take good care and be gentle with yourselves today.

[Dutch Uncle]

As a teacher, it is imperative that I don a mask of sorts each day.  This mask is in a way a protective device but also contains the "being around young people" set of standards that is meant to showcase values and/or ways of being that I intentionally am emphasizing for the good of the order.  Underneath this veneer (or highlighted portion of my personality, whichever) I must be authentic or else the students will quickly figure out my "game" and act badly.  They are quite empathic and always know when I am not at ease with myself.  I think that when I am ungrounded, they feel unsafe.  It is a huge and exhausting challenge to be both "me" and wear my instructional mask for hours each day, but I guess that is the gig.

I find this very eloquently put. 
There's a subtle difference between 'putting up an act" and fulfilling a role which suits you. To which, obviously, some strings are attached for both good and ... ehrmm both convenient and complicating.

I've been a team-leader in field-work, and I certainly donned a mask on my way to work, and then discarding it again returning from it. No biggie, I didn't have to compromise myself, on the whole.
I was good in my job. I've met co-workers years later who told me: "The best field work I ever did was there, with you", when in fact the work itself had yielded crappy results. So it was definitely not the results that rubbed off on me, but the other way around.

I'm happy to hear that legal and societal changes have made it easier for you to feel more confident in expressing your specific gender-oriented affection. 
(Is that a right way to say it? I have a sis who's gay. I'm aware of some of the sensitivities involved, which tend to make me anxious.)

[woodsgnome]

Once, I took an acquaintance with me to a solo gig I was performing for a school. I was portraying my usual--a canoeman/woodsman from around 1800. Afterwards, my fellow traveler noted that he'd been sitting next to a teacher who remarked, about me: "that fellow's a marvelous actor." To which my acquaintance replied: "Acting? He's just being himself!"

Never having formally studied acting, but with a keen theatrical instincts, I created this act when I was 24, in connection with a role I needed to develop as part of an impromptu acting performance that came about at a nature centre. It was good, and I developed it into a sort of road show, performing at libraries, schools, business/academic conferences, etc.

Besides the entertainment it provided, the show had an educational component to it. I became sort of a traveling actor/teacher. Later I had a "base" theatre--a historic site hired me to use the historic setting as my "permanent" stage. That felt pretty good. Soon the act was covered by various media I appeared in a number of films.

So to me, it was indeed like I'd donned a better costume than what I came with. Everything about this role fit perfectly--it was as if I killed off the old me. There was one huge gap in the performance self, though--the inner pain never fully left, and I didn't know how to deal with that. I tried lots of T, read voraciously, but none of it seemed to get rid of the inner pain.

Yes I was satisfied that I'd invented a unique person that everyone loves. But, like KayFly pointed out, it's also partly a control mechanism. I needed that when I started--I was, and am, always wary of even the nicest people. But the gap haunted the inside-the-mask person--there was still this devastated inner child part that couldn't get out.

I want to get closer to people, beyond the act; but even if it seems close, I really can't seem to find the bridge that would get me over. Enter my old stagehand: Fear.

So I actually like the act, PART of it rings true for who I am, who I need to be. That woodsman/canoeman was/is me. But there's still this hurt child that doesn't dare come all the way out.

I once had a little newspaper cartoon that I'd take to therapy sessions...it showed a child with a pleading look, as if he was hurting, inside one of those laughing/crying masks that is used in acting circles.

The kid is too afraid to come all the way out, because he was hurt when he tried before. That's the part stuck. And I've never found the way out.

[Dutch Uncle]

woodsgnome,

Did your character also interact with the school kids after the performance? Or was there interaction with the kids during play? Or was your character, or the 'you' as you have put it in words here (and in several other posts, no offense intended) only there on stage, away from direct connection to others?

I know that for me, in my role as 'boss', there were plenty of opportunities to connect to my team-members besides that role. During lunch-breaks, and/or the occasional "friday-afternoon-pub-gathering" we did. Which was at times instigated by the team, though I certainly made the effort to instigate those too. (and cut out any work-related issues there and then)
I also tried (and succeeded I think) to make clear that as 'boss' I had to make boss-decisions, for better or worse. What concrete effect they would have would often only reveal itself after the fact, through no further influence/control of my own.
(some people possibly resent me for some of those 'calls'. And quite probably I've made a few bad calls I'm not aware off. I definitely made a few I am aware off  )

[KayFly]

Woodsgnome, don't be angry with yourself! I was just making sure! You have always been there and helped me through the asthma stuff. Thank you. I'm glad the way I wrote this was spot on for some of you. I expected people to have lots of experience with this here.

I'm starting to now speculate that it is a protective mask as some of you have mentioned. I can see the different ways we have to act, like we are okay, and happy for different reasons. It makes me want to figure out the root of some specific reasons I put on a mask.

JDog, thank you for sharing. You are so intuitive and aware. I think that sensitivity is.just what the children need to feel safe. You seem to care an awful lot. That is good! I used to work with children as a nanny before I started intensive therapy for this and now I know for sure I won't work with children intentionally until I've taken better care of the.CPTSD. I applaud you for so much hard work.

I think this is a great discussion and I appreciate everyone's feedback.

[woodsgnome]

Hey, Dutch,

You asked me...

"Did your character also interact with the school kids after the performance? Or was there interaction with the kids during play? Or was your character, or the 'you' as you have put it in words here (and in several other posts, no offense intended) only there on stage, away from direct connection to others?"


Good observation--yes to both; interacted both during and after. Excellent rapport and on a couple of occasions, teachers told me it was the first time some kid was excited about anything in school. This trait I also carried into a "side" career of my own teaching pre-school kids for a bit. There I had a rep for being perfectly at-ease with them, which didn't require an acting overlay at all--I did feel totally at home with them.

When it comes to adults, well, not an entirely different story, but put it this way...it's never easy. I think a lot of it is explained via my rough beginnings around adults, and I actually don't see myself as one of "them". In Walker's schema, my outer critic kicks in. Arrested development is sometimes considered as a potential or actual cptsd symptom. Yep. Maybe so. Afraid of adults; give me the kids, my peers. I'll deal with adults if I have to .

Your "boss" role reflection I can relate to. At the historic site I mentioned, I became the boss. And I was beloved by the people who worked for me. On another post I mentioned 4 friends who all died recently--they were a part of our acting "troupe" there, as they were performers who learned the craft from me. Our camaraderie was such that they actually followed me when I went to another site. They were true friends, but I could never fully accept or appreciate the idea of anyone loving me.

My blockage in wanting to believe that love can be truly real for "me" is huge. The word "love" itself can be triggering, even. Why? Those people I refer to elsewhere as the GAWDawfuls, whose lesson in that regard was: "Love hurts". Rationally, even if I know that's an untruth, it was beaten into my psyche as well as the body, I guess .

Regarding the "actor/educator" stuff popping up in some other posts, it shows up as that role is huge in the cptsd background of this gnomester's journey. The performance stuff was my escape from the GAWDawfuls, but it also lured me into thinking I'd truly gotten past the aftershocks of my childhood in *. Everyone wants a quick solution to the mess of our origins, and I foolishly regarded the good fortune of the acting bits as my ticket out.

I don't assume that anyone reading a particular post knows anything about me, and that's especially so for someone new here. So I draw from that experience if it seems relevant; as I have no other. I also have this low self-image about being understood. So I tend to make sure I've explained what I'm trying to say (if I know what I'm trying to say  . I'm more an essayist than a twitter candidate, it appears.

[Dutch Uncle]

There I had a rep for being perfectly at-ease with them, which didn't require an acting overlay at all--I did feel totally at home with them.

Regarding the "actor/educator" stuff popping up in some other posts, it shows up as that role is huge in the cptsd background of this gnomester's journey. The performance stuff was my escape from the GAWDawfuls, but it also lured me into thinking I'd truly gotten past the aftershocks of my childhood in *. Everyone wants a quick solution to the mess of our origins, and I foolishly regarded the good fortune of the acting bits as my ticket out.

While it may not have healed the cPTSD to the extend you hoped for/counted on, I do see that it has given you many cherished memories. And I honestly belief you can take credit for those: it were your actions that have given you those. You received for what you have given, even though you did not require anything in return.

Thanks for sharing.