Is this a trigger for anyone else or am I being too sensitive?

[Indigochild]

Fairyslipper

i am glad to hear you are de cluttering. During times of recovery, we need people who will be there for us, if we can trust and let someone in. But for life- this has t one a life choice of course.

I still find it hard to believe Im reading what i am reading.  Thank you for the nice words. Its hard to believe someone is writing that to me , it makes me so happy!
I can't believe you think i brought up good points. 

A punching bag sounds good. Hitting stuff is good, when I'm raging i literally want to *destroy* what i am hitting, which is quite destructive i guess. I would feel like the punching bag has won, defeated me if i couldn't destroy it. maybe one day it wouldn't matter.
Im glad its helping you, and it is a great, safer way to get your anger out.
Journaling is great too.

Im sorry i said that it IS because you are actually angry at your paretns-
i think so, but i also think that you may be angry at the people you are attracting, this isn't in your head!

Yes, not EVERYTHING is your problem, and my T keeps telling me this, after having my mind worried by so many people through my life, to make me believe I'm mentally ill, and that it is me with the problem.
OOOOh it makes me soooo mad.

And yes, people who talk over others are not bad people i don't think , they are if they don't care , but its not their fault they don't she empathy and its not their fault they don't care, and if they are continuously choosing to not care, there must be a reason, that probably isn't their fault...
But, yes, making changes, being contious of behaviour, is just great, and shows that you care.

[CreativeCat]

This is such a good thread and I also feel triggered and stressed when others talk alot and interupt. I've realised a lot more since I've been in T. Some of my friends have now naturally drifted away and I've been able to change the relationship with some people. I like what you said Boatsetsailrose about it being a game. I also think it is although a game I feel very reluctant to play. I think this will helps for people I don't choose to be in my life but have to spend time with.

These ideas are really useful so thank you for sharing. 

[fairyslipper]

I am so happy to say that after setting up very rigid boundaries with that particular person in my original post, that she finally confronted me on it a few nights ago.She told me basically I was never there for her any more, tried to make me feel responsible for her life issues and after trying to explain my feelings.....NOT defend  ........she let me know that she felt she should just leave me alone. I was very hurt at first but thought that her actions completely validated my feelings about her. She was using me to vent and help fix her life and when I could no longer do that due to everything happening in my life right now, she didn't ask what she could do for me, seem to care, nope it was how my boundaries had gotten way too tight in her opinion and she felt like she no longer wanted to be my friend. As hard as it was, I feel like it was a victory. I was true to myself and it played itself out. The last straw for me with this person was when my daughter had a miscarriage back in February, I was really sad and told her, thinking/hoping she would care. She said she was sorry and "poor girl" and then the next day I woke up to 8 messages on facebook from her about issues she was having with her neighbor. Nothing was ever said about my daughter again. The other night she brought up how I was so distant when she tried to talk to me. I explained it was right after that happened to my daughter. She said, "well my daughter had chicken pox a month ago and I am stressed too." Didn't even acknowledge my response. So it just reinforced how much I NEED to listen to that little voice inside. I can honestly say I have felt so much lighter since that happened, knowing that I will never have to deal with her, in particular again. My slate is clean now as far as N friends and I am going to be so much pickier in the future. For now tho, I am just going to focus on my own healing. Thank you so much for your support and validation. It helped a LOT and empowered me when I was questioning myself.

I do believe we attract these people to us, yes. They are familiar unfortunately so we mesh in a very unhealthy way. I am so much more aware of that and reallllllly hope this particular teacher doesn't have to show up again in my life  I am so ready for the next level. 

[Brick]

Hi fairyslipper,

I have been sick for a couple weeks now and am just now starting to feel better and these types are all about the time THEY got sick 5 years ago.

I think we have some of the same 'friends' 

It is wonderful and inspirational to hear you "listen to that little voice inside"! You are so right. Those folks have their own row to hoe, and their method of coping--demeaning, belittling, or depersonizing can take over a relationship.

It is personally timely to read your post, since I just put the brakes on a friendship when a 'friend' responded to my recent sickness not with, "Do you need anything?" but with, "Oh yeah? well I was a lot sicker than that once, twenty years ago, let me tell you all about it..."

We've been 'friends' for a long time, and I see how--now. With this particular person, I let them do that. My primary function was to validate Ns. In fact, the old me seemed to only attach to proxies of my FOO. The new me doesn't give them the sugary validation they crave, and doesn't deserve the back-handedness.

Thank you for sharing I'm new, and all this support is helping me realize I'm hardly the first or only one to enforce new boundaries.

[Butterfly]

I didn't get to read all the follow ups but I take such behavior as making things all about themselves and talking over me as someone who is not healthy for me as a friend. I'm not saying they're toxic or PD but they aren't good for me if that's who they are, its just not a good match. It's healthy for me to recognize that right off and drift away focusing on relationships that are healthy for me.

[Indigochild]

Hey Fairyslipper,

Im sorry that happened to you, and I'm sorry the relationship was difficult, i am glad you were able to set boudoirs, just sorry it didnt work out.
If this person can not change for whatever reason, then it may be for the best.
And you need to be here for yourself.
It doesnt sound like a fair, equal relationship from what you are saying.
I am sorry about your bad news also and hope you and your daughter are coping.

I do hope you are able to listen to that voice inside.
It is good to see these people as teachers. I like that.
Funny...a narcissistic friend of mine said that we re drawn to the people and situations we need in life to progress, little did she know that she was one of those people, but not in the way she thought, and for a much bigger lesson than what i thought.

[fairyslipper]

Brick, I am sorry to hear we have the same friends -- but glad to hear that you too have put the brakes on your relationship. It isn't right that your being sick wasn't acknowledged, except as a launch into their illness. That is a really hard one. Hard for us I think, because we would never do that to someone and can't quite wrap our heads around that kind of thinking and self-centeredness.  Wow, your last sentence really summed it up, about your primary function being to validate N's. What an excellent way of describing it. I think a lot of us can relate to that description. We were totally groomed to be that, exactly in our lives. It is so nice to get the point where we can start seeing the part we played in the interactions with these people and learn to NEVER be that for them or anyone else again. Very freeing AND healthy!!   

Butterfly, good for you for acting on that early and moving away from them.  In the future I will too.

Indigo, that really is funny about your friend. I do wonder how some of these people that are extremely narcissistic can see it in others but don't have a clue about it in themselves. It really wasn't a fair relationship with this person, but I take responsibility for letting it escalate to this. Ha ha, yes, I really believe they are teachers. The lessons are not always easy, but it feels great to get on the other side of things where you can see it clearly for what it was.  Thank you so much. We just found out she is pregnant again and are sooo incredibly happy. 

[Kizzie]

Hi FairySlipper - I'm just catching up on all the threads and saw that your daughter is pregnant.  How wonderful!! 

Congratulations to all of you!   

[fairyslipper]

Thank you Kizzie  She is almost 2 months now. We are all sooooooooooooo excited and happy.

[Indigochild]

Well said Fairy slipper, and congratulations on your news!!   

Indigo, that really is funny about your friend. I do wonder how some of these people that are extremely narcissistic can see it in others but don't have a clue about it in themselves.
Past friend also said that we see in others what we hate about ourselves, but are unable to see as it is our shadow side.
I agree, but this isn't always the case. not always. you can just find someone annoying and that be it.
People are sometimes mirrors that we can look into and see ourselves. For me, she was my mirror and I'm sure visa/versa.
I do miss her at times.


It really wasn't a fair relationship with this person, but I take responsibility for letting it escalate to this. Ha ha, yes, I really believe they are teachers. The lessons are not always easy, but it feels great to get on the other side of things where you can see it clearly for what it was.  Thank you so much. We just found out she is pregnant again and are sooo incredibly happy.