[TW] Jazzy's Journal: Omega, Part II

[Jazzy]

New note of the highest importance:

Spend more time and effort learning to rest properly. Slouching and leaning are damaging; they only feel good because they provide immediately relief to an overwhelming problem. Stop what you're doing then go lay down until you feel stronger.

[Jazzy]

New note of the highest importance:

Be extremely careful doing anything because it is easier 

[Jazzy]

A very important thing happened yesterday:

My sister asked me for a small amount of help with an IT related business matter. Because it is so important to me to see her succeed, I immediately stopped what I was doing, then spent over an hour writing out a report filled with recommendations for her review.

When I asked her where she would like me to send the report, she expressed that she was not pleased with what I had done.

In the past I would have felt absolutely devastated by this response. However yesterday, it took me under 60 seconds to realize that I had failed to supply the support she requested. After coming to this realization, I shared with her only the information she requested, and then thanked her for restating what she wanted.

While this was challenging to do, it was not all that difficult and it certainly was not devastating. This tells me that I am no longer living in trauma!

[Jazzy]

Right now, I'm panicking.... well, I was a moment ago.

Normally, I would be completely devastated, shut down, and dissociated right now. I'm not entirely sure how I feel, but relief is certainly one of those feelings.

I am also glad I am sitting here thinking about how I feel, that is inexplicably helpful.

While I have an idea about the details which lead to this situation, I do not know what they are. Even if I did know what they are, I cannot change them. I am doing my best to appreciate these facts. This is also very helpful.

I'm going to lie down and relax now, as my mind works best when it is peaceful. I have already made a number of realizations while typing out this post.

[Jazzy]

I now realize what I have done wrong; good job mind! 15 minutes of peace is so powerful!

What I've done is likely what led to the situation where I felt panic. Even if not, I will not make the same mistake again.

I'm very sorry that I have hurt someone whom I care deeply for.   

[Jazzy]

I saw someone write this: " don't think we've forgotten the things you wrote in the past. "

It worked on me for about three minutes. Then I realized how many horrible things I've written in the past, because I was so busy just trying to survive.

The only thing I care less about then with that person has written in the past, is empty passive desperate attempts to drag down someone with a different point of view.

[Jazzy]

New note of the highest importance:

Seeing others heal is extremely powerful. Sharing our stories is sharing our power.

[Jazzy]

I just found an old worksheet which I was given in therapy which is absolutely triggering me!

No wonder therapy was not helpful to me when it was triggering me all the time! This is very frustrating, but I feel worse for those who are still trying to work through this type of therapy.

The title which is printed in big capital bolded letters reads DISTRESS TOLERANCE HANDOUT 8

I am absolutely heartbroken at the person who made this * (I dictated sheet but * works too) has absolutely no concept how distressing their own work is. This is a complete failure if I have ever seen one.

[Jazzy]

I just got back from the mall and why was that exhausting!

I carried 10 pounds of groceries for over 3 1/2 km. Numbers don’t sound too impressive, the effort it took due to the condition of my spine was enormous, so now I am resting before I put them away.

I found the chiropractor report from five years ago, while it doesn’t even cover my primary concern, it’s based on my lower back is rotated 12°And my upper back by 22°

I expect it’s gotten worse over the past five years, there is so much work ahead of me, but I can do it!

[Jazzy]

I just had a very important realization after reviewing the hierarchy of needs.

I caught myself thinking that I need to put the groceries away and eat and then play a game.

What I am doing is eat then put the groceries away and then play a game!

[Jazzy]

On my way to the mall I had an encounter during which I felt extremely threatened. I stopped, slowly turned, and felt the full force of my anger arise within me. I firmly stood my ground without budging, and stated this threat directly in the eye as it passed not two inches from my face.

My anger is more powerful than ever because now it is fully within my control. In under five minutes It had diminished greatly, as soon as the threat was out of eyesight. This feels instinctively right. I am so very pleased!

[Jazzy]

I just realized that trying to relax while traumatized is a very damaging approach to healing. I am extremely sorry to everyone whom I have encouraged to relax and find peace.

[Jazzy]

I feel very afraid. This peace is so nice and living is so much effort. I have no experience with putting forth the effort to stay alive while not being traumatized, never mind while being peaceful. Peace is dangerous right now.

Thankfully I have good survival music to empower me!

[Snowdrop]

Hope you're OK and the music is helping.

[CactusFlower]

Hope you're doing ok, Jazzy!  Music can be very helpful and it seems like something you enjoy. I'm sorry the groceries were an effort, but I am impressed with your effort! I have great difficulty getting a big thing of cat litter from the car to the door, so even 1 km sounds like a triumph to me. It can be hard to relax when traumatized, but I still welcome your wishes of relaxation and peace because I know you only mean kindness when you say it. Sometimes, I have to literally tell myself out loud things like "I deserve to rest" and "It is ok to not be 'on' all the time." It's almost like I have to hear that permission to do it. But, whatever works!