Discovery Journal

[Tee]

  sometimes my H needs it spelled out cause he just doesn't get it otherwise.  Hope you get a little reprieve. Here for you.

[MoonBeam]

That's super frustrating TR, especially since you made an agreement regarding.  It sounds like you did a good job of being clear and letting him know. Perhaps practice will help him understand and be able to follow through? When or if it feels safe for you. I totally get it though, it's sometimes just easier to keep it in than try to explain or teach someone, especially if I'm just trying to hang on in the moment.  Sorry friend.

Glad to hear you have an appt with a psychiatrist. I hope it goes really well.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Three Roses, I'm really sorry to hear of your hurt re your recent communication with H. These barriers we have are so enormous and overwhelming, I think of your honesty as very brave and being true to yourself. Just a though, it may take others time to realise that you are changing?

Don't want to say to much on that or be invalidating but please have  you are brave.

[Blueberry]

  to you 3R. Glad you've got an appointment at a psychiatrist's.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Sorry just popped back to add that selfish and lazy is unacceptable and untrue too just wanted to make sure there was no doubt about that, sorry.

[sanmagic7]

so very glad you got that appt. finally.  hopefully, you'll find out something positive.

i think being honest is a brave choice.  we can only do what we do, then look at the results and consider choices for the future.  hang tough, sweetie.  i think you're doing really well.  plus, you're amazing.   

sending love always and a hug filled with strength   

[Sceal]

it's brave of you to tell H what happened and that it wasn't okay. I hope you'll do it again, and not hide what you feel. Like you told me, you are entitled to your emotions.

[sunflower38]

That's awesome that you were able to tell H what you were feeling. I know it's usually way easier to bottle things up, but I'm glad that you didn't and instead took action in taking care of yourself. And cptsd does really suck!! 

[Three Roses]

Thanks, you guys! 

[Three Roses]

So, I have this friend - I've written about her here before -  and I've always kind of felt like I wasn't as important to her as she is to me, but that's okay, I don't think any relationship is ever evenly balanced in that regard.

Anyway. I've learned recently that she has gone to visit another friend several times who is even further from her geographically than I am. And yet she has no time to ever come here to visit me. That's the way our friendship has gone over the years.

And up until recently that was something I accepted, because I understand her time constraints, her life that's much busier than mine, her controlling husband, blah blah blah. I'm feeling like I want more from her, and not maintain this unbalanced relationship anymore if I'm not going to be a priority.

But, I also know, now may not be the time to sever a relationship, when I'm feeling so emotionally wonky. Still it feels kind of good to write how I feel about it here.

[Tee]

  your important to me 3R. Big hugs 

[Three Roses]

Awww, thanks Tee 

I've always driven to her house, a 3 hour drive one way. Over the years I've driven it countless times, and yet I can count the times she has come to see me on my 2 hands. 

[Tee]

Yeah that would be frustrating.  Have you asked her why she hasn't visited more? Maybe she doesn't realize you want her visit.
I don't know she probably does.  My brother and his family just refuses to travel, one because I live close to our NM and they refuse to see them. So if they come here they don't want to see them.  So if I want to see my brother and his family we have to drive the 5 hours to Thier house. So it's been several years since we have seen each other.  I'm sorry about your friend though and that I just added so much to about me on your wall.  I can delete it if you want.  Just wanted to let you know I get the wanting to see people more and not being able to.

[Blueberry]

I've always driven to her house, a 3 hour drive one way. Over the years I've driven it countless times, and yet I can count the times she has come to see me on my 2 hands. 

That sounds very familiar. When I brought it up with this friend, a lot of justifying went on but she didn't / couldn't? see my pov at all. I think you suggested I prop up the latest card from her in my fireplace    Not that it has to evolve that way between you and your friend.

I'm just glad you can write about it here. No doubt you'll come to some conclusion in your own good time. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Three Roses it is funny but I have just written and sent a letter to a friend of about 18 months explaining why I thought it wasn't working (very similar dynamics to yours, with traveling etc).

The fear of being lonely held me back for so long. Now, the ball is on her court and I have told her how I am feeling at least I know she knows. I like her so much but I always feel like the backup buddy.

It feels a bit calmer now I have explained a bit. I wrote a letter. I'm glad I did, and not an email. I can't pour over the letter constantly like I would an email. I have to trust I did the best I could when I wrote it and sent it off.