Forging New Paths

[CactusFlower]

Miss you too, blueberry!  I hope the inpatient time goes well for you. We'll be here whenever you can pop in! 

[Not Alone]

 

[Blueberry]

Thank you all

Actually it turns out that one of the very unhealthy patients in the program is me   Not that any of the Ts said that because they do non-confrontational therapy here, which is good for me. More confrontational types where they tell you you're in victim role or perpetrator role (mostly for how you speak to other patients, so nothing physical) doesn't help me or probably anybody else in fact.

Among other things it turns out that whereever exactly I am on the dissociative spectrum, it's worse than anybody realised. It's affecting my hearing and even language comprehension - sometimes all the words sound joined up, even the syllables, so I can't understand anything. Sometimes I have to really really strain to hear, since everything sounds so quiet, so faint.

I'm also not very good at hearing between the lines so to speak, though I don't think that's dissociative myself. I think that has more to do with the way my words were used against me when I still lived with FOO as a child and teen. But anyway I ask for confirmation and people groan because that's already been answered. They groan because they've been hearing that kind of request from me for weeks

There's a rule in the inpatient place they tell everybody when you arrive: what is said in therapy groups remains there and you don't talk about other people behind their backs. I remain totally obedient about that kind of thing and believe everybody else does until I discover they don't. I did discover sometime ago that one person is talked about behind his back, but now I know I am too. 

But to get to the crux of the matter: the way I speak to people - especially my peers - isn't always respectful or polite or friendly. I've been in this situation before - an outcast and/or somebody approached only when other people need help. I don't mean so much in FOO, I mean in different elementary and high schools, among neighbours, various landlords, in associations etc. and in inpatient places about 20-odd years ago. One way I have of dealing with my bad feelings about it is by cutting contact until I have next to no contacts.

Anyway I'm noticing now how I'm writing about it but I'm not feeling anything. That's the other thing 2-3 Ts really noticed within the past 5 days - there's a big disconnect between my emotions and thoughts. In one-on-one T I can stay connected with emotions and thoughts some of the time but otherwise I'm often on some intellectual level somewhere or at best I can feel my body (mostly) and remain in my intellect but emotions are a no-go, unless a T I know and trust can lead me there.

In desperation yesterday I started reading and actually writing in The Self-Compassion Workbook, and that was helpful in not annihilating myself emotionally.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I'm just sending you a hug, if that's ok  I find your writing to be insightful.  I'm glad that the Self-Compassion Workbook was something you were able to read and write in.  Self-compassion is a big thing.  I relate to not being able to necessarily feel the emotions. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope, a hug is really good atm!  

I'm going back to the inpatient place in a couple of hours. Noticing what I have been doing to others does not feel good, putting it mildly. I can't write anymore on that. Except I'm thinking about coming home again on the original day I was meant to rather than getting a 1-2 week extension because I can't stand myself within the inpatient place. I'm now pretty much isolated (has been getting worse for a couple of weeks) and now that I know most of that is connected to my own behaviour, it's pretty painful to be there. I do see some recovery in that it hasn't thrown me for a complete and utter loop.

I notice how recovery work I did years ago in inpatient places that incorporated some of the philosophy and ideas of the 12 Step groups is helpful at the moment. I'm not doing a written inventory of my shortcomings in the past couple of weeks or even back at the beginning of my stay but I am looking at those shortcomings and the damage they've done to me now and the damage that kind of behaviour has done to me over the years. It's a waking moment that says I can't keep doing this to other people! Nor to myself since it usually backfires anyway. In those inpatient places and also at the weekend retreats I used to go to there was a lot of emotional release work, which there isn't here to that degree. It's both useful and painful to see how my interpersonal relations or whatever you call them get all out of control when I don't have heavy-duty emotional release work going on. It's useful because in everyday life there isn't a framework of emotional release work. It's good for me to see once more how regular weekend retreats kept me going in a number of ways and without them, I get into a bad state psychologically-speaking pretty fast.

What that does say to me is that I can forget a job in the normal working world for interpersonal reasons alone (not to mention dissociation, trauma-brain-with-technology etc), so I'll go back to some one-on-one teaching and most probably the farm, where I'm accepted and where I don't tend to get triggered anymore. It does me good and they can almost always do with an extra person about. There I have company - I'm often lonely due to problems interacting with people. There it's much more about work and then some interaction either during work or at meals than in other settings. That's good for me.

[Armee]

 

I know when I realize my own role in problems it is very painful. But also after the idea has settled in more I realize I was also a little bit being overly harsh on myself. 

Your ideas for continuing work in settings that accommodate your differing abilities sound really good.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, those are painful realizations. Please try to have compassion for yourself.

[Eireanne]

 

[rainydiary]

BB, I am checking in and resonate with reflections about managing the impact we may have on others. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you all for your responses and hugs and reminders not to be too harsh on myself. :Hugs:

Just home for the day, I am taking advantage of my extension since I realised not doing so would deprive me of some opportunity for growth. I also feel back in the group and the whole inpatient community, which is  really good! I managed some changes, that was noticed and people stopped avoiding me like the plague.

A couple of days ago, I almost started removing myself again but managed to stop the inevitable downwards spiral by talking to my T. My trauma T is now on holiday, so inpatient I have a different T, who I do know - she does the art T for instance, and she does have good understanding of Parts, though she isn't a trauma T per se. This is partially good atm. She helped me see that what I thought was a conflict between me and another patient was just a difference of opinion where the other patient probably felt guilty and made a remark which in turn made me feel guilty because of my background with FOO. But neither of us are guilty. It was just a difference of opinion that played out more between the lines and in action than in direct words and then I removed myself from the situation. And that's perfectly OK, said T. I have a lot of therapy in the past where you get to analyse where you went wrong and how could you have better managed the situation earlier so that that particular reaction didn't happen. This T says:   Perfectly normal situation, happens to 'us therapists' too, she said. You're just relaxing and talking or in this case playing a game and you decide to leave the game for whatever reason. In fact, I didn't even need to have given a reason, though I did.

Then what's more - on some question from T, I started justifying myself and my actions and telling T the exact sequence of events. Since she doesn't know me that well, she wondered about that and I explained about having to justify more or less everything to FOO and then still being proved 'wrong' by FOO because I left out some detail or they decided my account was irrational or something. Sometimes I do know that I'm justifying, but in this particular case I hadn't even noticed. I had no idea that I didn't have to recount all this 'she said and I did and I thought' etc.! I hope in future that I can learn to summarise my accounts of happenings or of feelings or whatever and not write such long reams on here too!

T also said it's perfectly acceptable to choose not to play another game with that particular patient but to always consider whether or not it might be possible to play when other people are playing too, rather than cutting myself out there as well, which I tend to. And then 'suddenly' there's nobody in the group I can socialise with or even talk to.

Later that day my mind clicked on why I act that way: when I was in my mid to late teens and early twenties the only way I could show B1 and everybody else in FOO that I disagreed with how he treated me (PA) was by not speaking to him. At all. For weeks or even months at a time. My parents reacted by mostly not speaking to me, except commands, criticisms etc. (Fortunately there were long intervals when either I or B1 were abroad for a year so conversation was fairly normal again.) But the pattern is: I show a limit and others gang up on me, whether 'not speaking' or I get ostracised someway or earlier in my childhood some other punishment which says 'you are not allowed to say "No" to B1'. Time to toss that behaviour because FOO's way of acting is a load of §*!$ as I remarked to T. She agreed. 

[Kizzie]

It's crazy the behaviours we were up against and our own we used to protect ourselves isn't it BB?  It's hard to believe life for non-survivors is a lot easier, calmer, spontaneous (instead of weighing every word and action), and just generally open and authentic.  I know it's not that way all the time for anyone, but it is most of the time and I so would love that for you, for me and for all of us who lost that.  We are prickly because we had to be and unlearning that is not easy so bravo to you for the hard work you are doing in the program        

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i admire your courage for putting yourself in a place to continue digging deeper, facing and accepting such huge realizations, and understanding your own part in interpersonal relationships.  i know this is difficult work - as kizzie says, we've produced some amazing protective devices and perspectives during our lifetimes - and you deserve all the self-compassion and gentleness in the world.  sending love and a hug filled w/ 'well done, blueberry'. 

[Armee]

I admire your courage too, BB, and how open you have been to seeing patterns and wanting to try something different.

These daily interactions we had in our FOOS shaped our brain and behavior to survive, we really had no choice. We have choices noe but when these protective responses are ingrained as deep as they are we don't even see them. So I think it's really awesome that this T is helping you notice. That's almost impossible to do alone. 

[natureluvr]

Blueberry I admire you for all the inner work you are doing with your inpatient program, and with your therapists.

[Moondance]

I second Natureluvr