I am *NOT* an 'alcoholic'!

[GoSlash27]

All,
 Just like the rest of you,I am a survivor of a lot of really dark and horrible stuff. Honestly I shouldn't even be alive at this point, but I am anyway.

 Like someone escaping a shipwreck and going into survival mode on a desert island, I just did whatever I had to do to survive. It kept me alive, but also stranded me.
 
 All of the stuff that I do that people view as 'selfless' and 'altruistic' are really just expressions of my frustration at the fact that I don't know what to do to help myself. If I can help someone else in trouble *maybe* that will somehow show me a way home.

 Likewise, all of the "negative" habits I have developed are simply survival mechanisms. They are not "weakness", they are simply the most expedient way *I* have found to carry on until I can find something better.

 I'm not 'addicted' to anything at all (despite my FOO's best efforts to make me that way). I hate feeling like my perceptions and reality have been altered. Whenever they did that to me, I ran away and desperately tried to 'sleep it off'. I need to feel normal; like I'm in control and know what to do next.

 I drink approximately 9 beers every night. I've done it for 15 years or so. I don't do it because I'm "addicted" to being drunk (I hate being drunk), I do it because if I don't drink, I can't sleep.

 I have to sleep so I can carry on. Simple as.

 I cannot give this up until I find a healthier way to sleep at night. When I find that, I will stop, but not before.

 I am trapped on my island, just surviving one day at a time. I cannot be rescued until I am convinced that the rescue attempt won't result in my death. I have seen too many die in the attempt to trust others easily. But I really do hope to escape this.

Best,
-Slashy

[Kizzie]

A lot of self-medicating is about numbing ourselves so we can keep the pain at bay or in your case get to sleep at night. Just my thoughts here of course but there are medications that will help and not cause you to develop liver disease. Maybe see your GP and have a frank conversation?   

[GoSlash27]

Kizzie,
 I don't do any 'medication'. Never have, never will.

 I use alcohol to sleep because I know what's in it. Maybe that's dumb, but I'm set on it until I find a better way.

 Best,
-Slashy

[Kizzie]

Fair enough Slashy. I know some people use substances like weed to help them asleep. That might be worth a try.  It's legal here in Canada so there's quite a lot of medicinal use nowadays.

[meanwhileup]

Hi Slashy,
I don't know if you have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. I fall into the second category and as mental illness is a big part of my family background, I'm reluctant to try anything that might upset my brain chemistry too much.

However, you might want to discuss with your GP about trying a low dose of amitriptyline (I take 10mg) - it's a pretty safe, non addictive and well tolerated antidepressant that isn't used much nowadays as it causes drowsiness. Taken before bed, it's enough to get me to sleep and stay asleep without feeling drugged or groggy the next day. It's not recommended with alcohol as it enhances the drowsiness effect, but that could act in your favor and allow you to cut down on the amount you drink and still have the same effect - but do discuss with a doctor first.

[Armee]

Ah Slashy. That'll kill you in the long run. But I hear you...not doing it will probably kill you in the short run. I hope over time you find ways to slowly transition into safer ways of sleeping. That's said without judgment and just complete empathy.

[dollyvee]

Hey Slashy,

I feel like I went through a similar discussion when my t queried my drinking a couple glasses of wine in the evening to unwind. No, I can quit at anytime etc and I did over the past two years where I've been treating mycotoxins which adversely affect the liver. So, not wanting to mix the two, I went cold turkey. This past xmas I bought a bottle of wine because xmas. What I noticed this time that I hadn't picked up on was it was like my body was addicted to it and before I knew it, I had half a bottle pretty quickly. I did buy another, and another after that I think, but then stopped. Mentally, I could stop and everything is fine, but I guess it was hard to stop while it was going on. I mean why not have another glass? It's only two. I can understand how these things get out of hand pretty quickly and how maybe they're used to cover up things that we aren't even aware are there. I also know that I have the addiction gene and there is alcoholism in my family.

That being said, I wonder if opening up in therapy and starting to deal with feelings/events etc will help your sleep in a more natural way? I'm also a big proponent of health issues getting in the way of sleep as well. So, it could be something physically that's impacting your cortisol etc.

Sending you support,
dolly