I just joined this forum today on a whim, thinking it might be good for me. I have spent my whole life trying to diagnose myself, to find out whats wrong with me because my mother has told me ever since I can remember that there is something wrong with me (in so many words- she's a nurse so naturally she has a diagnoses for everything-usually it's worse case scenario). She still insists to this day that I might be high functioning Autistic....which even my therapist says is absurd. I've been diagnosed as Bi-Polar, MDD and ADHD. I've looked into just about every mental illness out there to try and figure out whats been going on inside my head. Just recently I've started seeing a trauma therapist and she said that everything can be explained by PTSD. I've never been so hopeful in my life. It's all starting to make sense.
I've never understood all of the rage inside of me. I've known that it's there, and that when it's triggered I can turn into an uncontrollable monster...but, I never knew why. I'm a great person, I have an amazing personality, and I'm proud of that. Despite all of the abuse I am a social butterfly and I am humble, kind, generous, funny, compassionate....I give everything I have and more...
But it can change so fast if you know what button to push, what wound to poke...and all of the sudden I don't recognize myself...or the sound of my voice. I say things, no...I scream things I can't remember and I can't be touched because it sets my soul on fire and I just want to run away as far as my feet can take me.
I'm finally starting to understand. The weird thing is that I'm excited and hopeful for the change that is coming in my life because of this new therapy, but I'm also terrified. I am scared because I don't know any other way...I don't know how to be anything but sad, and angry and lost.
Here's to surviving...and someday actually living.
I've never understood all of the rage inside of me. I've known that it's there, and that when it's triggered I can turn into an uncontrollable monster...but, I never knew why. I'm a great person, I have an amazing personality, and I'm proud of that. Despite all of the abuse I am a social butterfly and I am humble, kind, generous, funny, compassionate....I give everything I have and more...
But it can change so fast if you know what button to push, what wound to poke...and all of the sudden I don't recognize myself...or the sound of my voice. I say things, no...I scream things I can't remember and I can't be touched because it sets my soul on fire and I just want to run away as far as my feet can take me.
I'm finally starting to understand. The weird thing is that I'm excited and hopeful for the change that is coming in my life because of this new therapy, but I'm also terrified. I am scared because I don't know any other way...I don't know how to be anything but sad, and angry and lost.
Here's to surviving...and someday actually living.