Okay, so.. I feel ashamed to write it. I am feeling confused. After maybe 10 years of trying different relationships and always ending up more and more traumatized I now met someone who made me realise there was nothing wrong with me, I was agreeing on wrong people. First 4 months I did not think much, tried to enjoy it and was getting shocked that it actually lasted longer than 1 month, then longer than 2 months, then.. and so on. Everything just felt right.. It was not the "in love" feeling like I had in this toxic ones, more like really being fine around someone, and feeling a bit high.. maybe even not high, a bit more alive actually, I would call it. My life was quite * before, involving depression and suicidal thoughts, and I just wanted to keep it as much away from us as possible.
Until.. trying to start some deeper discussion I asked "what are you afraid of". And one of the answers was "that you will stop liking me".
And that caused: "why does he say it? does it look like i do not really like him? what if he sees something i do not see? what if i am about to hurt him? what if i don't feel anything for him actually?"
Since 1 month I am feeling this anxiety, as if I was pretending I like him, and he was about to find it out. I started judging my every thought, looking for smallest negative feeling when I am around him. I notice my feelings are changing because of this. Or maybe it was the opposite, my feelings are changing and that is why i feel anxious?
I do not know what to think. What I feel, what I want. In my life I only knew I wanted someone when they were not available. And when they liked me I felt disgusted by them. Now somehow none of that is the case, I was enjoying it egoistically, but after what he said I am terrified I will hurt him. Or myself, if I stay with someone I actually don't want to be with. But damn, I don't know. I know most people would say "if you don't know it means you don't want", but following this advice I already made a huge mistake once, don't want to repeat it either.
Deep inside I always believed I am not worthy of love. When I imagine my future I cannot imagine anything else than being alone. And not, I am not young.
Anyone has similar problem? It is not the first time I feel unsure when the other person is not avoidant. How to get certain in what I want and feel?
Until.. trying to start some deeper discussion I asked "what are you afraid of". And one of the answers was "that you will stop liking me".
And that caused: "why does he say it? does it look like i do not really like him? what if he sees something i do not see? what if i am about to hurt him? what if i don't feel anything for him actually?"
Since 1 month I am feeling this anxiety, as if I was pretending I like him, and he was about to find it out. I started judging my every thought, looking for smallest negative feeling when I am around him. I notice my feelings are changing because of this. Or maybe it was the opposite, my feelings are changing and that is why i feel anxious?
I do not know what to think. What I feel, what I want. In my life I only knew I wanted someone when they were not available. And when they liked me I felt disgusted by them. Now somehow none of that is the case, I was enjoying it egoistically, but after what he said I am terrified I will hurt him. Or myself, if I stay with someone I actually don't want to be with. But damn, I don't know. I know most people would say "if you don't know it means you don't want", but following this advice I already made a huge mistake once, don't want to repeat it either.
Deep inside I always believed I am not worthy of love. When I imagine my future I cannot imagine anything else than being alone. And not, I am not young.
Anyone has similar problem? It is not the first time I feel unsure when the other person is not avoidant. How to get certain in what I want and feel?