Hi.
Very bad dream last night. Might be the worst I've had. Certainly the worst since the nightmares I had almost ten years ago right after the kidnapping had just happened.
When I woke up I freaked out on my boyfriend when he tried to hug and comfort me. Couldn't stand him touching me. Crying, hyperventilating,
I feel so lonely. I have a lot of self-destructive cravings right now for my old bad habits. But the worst I am actually going to do today is smoke a cigarette.
I have to go to work today, I have to function and act normal. And it just feels so stupid and incomprehensible right now. It's just like, wheee I'm a kidnapping and rape survivor who just had a gnarly vivid dream about rape and kidnapping, now I get to act normal and be a good customer service person for minimum wage.
Life feels like such a joke sometimes. It's hard to know why I even bother. But I put a lot of work into being a healthy non-suicidal person who doesn't do drugs anymore, and I know that I usually actually like being alive, so I guess today I'll just grin and bear it.
Very bad dream last night. Might be the worst I've had. Certainly the worst since the nightmares I had almost ten years ago right after the kidnapping had just happened.
When I woke up I freaked out on my boyfriend when he tried to hug and comfort me. Couldn't stand him touching me. Crying, hyperventilating,
I feel so lonely. I have a lot of self-destructive cravings right now for my old bad habits. But the worst I am actually going to do today is smoke a cigarette.
I have to go to work today, I have to function and act normal. And it just feels so stupid and incomprehensible right now. It's just like, wheee I'm a kidnapping and rape survivor who just had a gnarly vivid dream about rape and kidnapping, now I get to act normal and be a good customer service person for minimum wage.
Life feels like such a joke sometimes. It's hard to know why I even bother. But I put a lot of work into being a healthy non-suicidal person who doesn't do drugs anymore, and I know that I usually actually like being alive, so I guess today I'll just grin and bear it.