I am really pissed off, drinking heavy, so scared i might hurt myself tonight. i have lost hope, i don't want to let everyone down. i have found a lot of support here. i don't think i am suicidal, just feel the need to do harm. i don't know why, i know it won't help. i don't know what else to do
About 6 months ago I made a huge leap in my therapy and healing. Prior to that moment when I would try to be kind to myself or have self compassion or more specifically when my T would tell me to do those things I would get very very strong compulsions to hurt myself instead and would have intrusive thoughts that I deserve to die. I didn't even think or want to do those things. They just came. I learned to ignore those thoughts and impulses. Eventually they simmered down. I don't why this happens but it is very common for us. I'm guessing deep down your progress feels threatening and what you are feeling and doing is a very normal response to that. Sleep, do yoga, binge on tv, distract yourself through Friday. When you feel like you don't want to drink find an alternate thing you do. Herbal tea or a shower maybe.
Oh and one important thing to add. You'll never disappoint us. We are here to support and accept and normalize because we all go through the same struggles.
thank you Armee, i was having a really bad night, i feel a little lost this morning, but feel better.
I think those feelings of fear, desperation and self-destructiveness are pretty natural when you're seeking to heal. After spending your life thinking you are "normal" and that everyone lives with the same awful feelings that you have, it's really scary to discover that life isn't supposed to be that way and that there are real possibilities for change and for something better. Even the idea of being happier or more content or more comfortable in your own skin is a scary thought, because what if you can't do it? Or what if it's not actually real? What if you invest your hopes and your energies just to be disappointed? It's much easier to stay with the pain and discomfort that is familiar to you than it is to risk hoping for a more fulfilling life. I'm glad you stayed in touch with yourself in that and posted it here, because what you are doing is good and right, and we all want to support you in it whether we can find the right things to say or not.
Thank you Bach, i really appreciate the support. I am still learning about cptsd, and all of the fun symtoms i have been enjoying.
Bach said it perfectly.
Hi Larry, you're not alone. I've written about how I've been struggling to recover from self-destructive behaviors for decades. Still am. Had a bad night myself lat night, and visited some old ghosts best left buried, and I'm angry at myself today. Bach's absolutely right. A lot of it is self-inflicted because I get overwhelmed and scared. I'm inspired by you showing up and owning it - you've given me courage to do the same today, because otherwise I was just going to wallow in self-pity and self-directed anger all day. Thanks for your inspiration.
Sorry you had a bad night Larry, but so glad you posted about it. I think posting here about things we'd rather not talk about is self-care, giving ourselves a bit of "sunshine therapy". Our fears seem to lose a bit of power each time we share them and find out others care and many have had similar experiences. That said, having been here since 2014 I can say that many members, myself included, report having symptom flareups at first. When you think about it it's how we protected ourselves in the past - keeping ourselves isolated kept us from abuse, and telling ourselves we are responsible for our trauma gives us a small degree of control over our fate.
When it happens maybe think of it as old tapes running in your head that will calm down/fade as you work on recovering. :grouphug:
Larry
Courage is not the absense of fear. (The absense of fear is usually ignorance). COURAGE is feeling terrified and STILL GOING FORWARD.
Dude, I'm so proud of you today I can hardly stand it. You've told us for weeks now how terrified you are of tomorrow's first visit with a therapist, and look at you. You're going to do it anyway.
I'm feeling inspired by you right now. I want to pick one of my fears and see if I can make myself face it too!
Being a long-time fan of therapy, I feel pretty sure you're going to be real, real, real glad you did it tomorrow, but I also know that you don't feel that way yet. So I am real excited to hear from you tomorrow after it's done.
I'm totally on your side. It looks like everyone on this forum is on your side. Keep us in your heart while you're getting ready for your visit. We're all going to be thinking about you at that moment. A little trick I use when I need support from people who can't physically be with me is, I find physical prop to hold in my hand. So like, right now, you could grab something close, like a particular pen or a little rock or a favorite trinket and hold it tight while you reread the words from all of us here who are promising to support you tomorrow. Put our "energy" into that little trinket. Then when it's time to log in or go see your new therapist, grab that little trinket with all our "energy" in it, so that your body remembers that we're all with you in spirit at that moment. I do this a lot. It helps connect my phsyical body to my emotional mind, to remind me that all those people who'd promised support the last time I held this in my hand, are still out there...still promising their support. It kind of helps me to not feel alone and isolated and unsupported.
You're going to do great. And it won't hurt a thing if you decide to just be open and let this therapist know how freaking scared you've been. Your therapist is on your side also.
Larry,
Okay, I just left my computer and headed downstairs to make lunch (It's noon here in Seattle), and I realized I've still got watery eyes. Not from pity, but from pride. I can't even focus on making a salad right now. I had to climb back up the stairs to send another tag up note. As a Fawn type with a very empathetic nature, I feel really connected to you right now. I have felt horrific fear in my life, so when you tell us of where you are at right now in your fear, I feel it too. I can't get you off my mind. When I say I'm proud of what you're about to do right now, those aren't just words. You're facing something that's tearing you up inside, but you're facing it! Sure, you're using booze to crutch it, but that's how I used to do it too. No big deal. You're not giving up, and that's what really matters. You're going to do this.
I'm tired of people complaining about their pain and refusing to accept help. YOU are not refusing help. That's what's making my eyes moist today. This is the power of empathy. Those of us who have the gift of empathy aren't just saying empty words, we really, truly DO feel what you are feeling, and we are really truly supporting you.
I can't tell you how thankful i am, thank you all so much for the understanding and support. I have this small keychain, i will use it to think of all of you tomorrow. I don't know hwere i would be without you all !! I am feeling so much better right now after reading the posts from everyone. i don't think i have ever had this much support !
Hi Larry. We haven't "met" yet. I'm glad you posted when you were having such a tough night. I am thinking of you and your first therapy session tomorrow.
Just want to add to this chorus: I believe in you too, Larry. And I'm thinking of you too. Your courage to face what scares you inspires me, as I can relate SO much to just wanting to hide, drink to make it all disappear.
It is phenomenally courageous, as Papa Coco said, to move ahead even what you are afraid. And when you seek out help despite the pain from your past - this makes you brave, not broken. I'm cheering you on!! :cheer:
thank you pippi and not alone ! i really appreciate you , I will be thinking of all of you tomorrow. I have a small keychain, like papa coco suggested, you will all be with me tomorrow !! i'm sure i will be full of anxiety, but also feel so hopeful right now !!
Hi Larry, thinking of you today. I'm proud of you for having the courage to try to find a better way for yourself and for those that care about you. You're not alone!
Thank you Dante ! I can't believe the day is here, 2 hours from now, trying not to think about it too much. But really need to get the first one over with !
Larry,
You got this! I'm proud of you and inspired by your courage and vulnerability.
Thank you Armee !! The anxiety iss coming on, i have to leave in about 30 minutes. I am so thankful for all of the support from everyone !
Big group hug for you Larry :grouphug: , we're here.
Thank you Kizzie ! I just got home, the session went better than expected. I fels comfortable even though my anxiety was sky high ! As I was leaving she said something like , don't worry, I know how to help you. That made me even more hopeful. I haven't scheduled the next session yet, trying to do this around my work schedule and without my wife knowing. She suggested Lexapro, but i don't think i am ready for meds.
:thumbup: So glad to hear it went well Larry :grouphug:
Quote from: Larry on October 22, 2021, 05:35:02 PM
As I was leaving she said something like , don't worry, I know how to help you.
Those are powerful and hopeful words.
that did make me feel a little better. I'm sure she could tell i was confused and nervous when i was leaving
I love that she said that. I would love to hear someone say that to me right about now. Any sooner than now I may have felt like punching and kicking and screaming or disappearing though. It can be scary to be seen as vulnerable as we are. I am really just so impressed at how honest you are, Larry, with yourself and here.
Thank you Armee ! I have been living with this for so long, i am ready to try to be normal ! I want to control my emotions, i went several years without feeling them. I was happy then, I don't now why i am such a mess now. I don't like being hypervigilant, or feeling so much anxiety. I can't handle being around people. I want to have fun ! I need to learn how to do that again. things have been so hard ,
Hi Larry, I went a lot of years without feeling anything at all. When I first started realizing that I had to deal with them, and that I had a problem with some of my self-medicating, the world unraveled. I came completely apart. Everything I'd bottled up my whole life just came out all at once and it was too much to put it all back.
I guess my point is, you're not alone. Thawing is an incredibly painful experience, because everything unresolved all comes up at once instead of resolving things a little at a time like untraumatized people are able to do.
Hang in there. It will get harder before it gets better, but don't quit. It will get better. It can get better, as long as you don't give up.
Thank you so much Dante ! I know i am just getting started, it is going to be hard. i really hope i can do this. I am trying to limit my drining, i'm sure it is making things worse. I just don't know another way to escape
Quote from: Larry on October 24, 2021, 03:38:07 AM
I was happy then, I don't now why i am such a mess now. I don't like being hypervigilant, or feeling so much anxiety. I can't handle being around people. I want to have fun ! I need to learn how to do that again. things have been so hard ,
I think this is very very common for many of us Larry. I thought I was not just ok but like almost stronger than everyone else. Like I really really really had my sh*& together. Then a trigger in present day life popped up and set off just this avalanche. I still thought I was ok but really I wasn't. Not at all. It was just the numbness that made me think I was ok. Waiting for you at the end of this journey is being truly ok. Real joy and happiness and fun, not the fake kind. The kind you had before was the kind that came from shoving everything under the surface.
I heard a podcast with some expert on CPTSD who used a great analogy. She said that living with cPTSD is like going through life pushing giant beachballs under the surface of the water. For awhile you're treading water, you have the balls neatly submerged but then one starts to pop up to the surface and then more of them pop up to the surface, because CPTSD isn't just one trauma we are trying to keep below deck. Then you wrestle the beach balls back down below the surface and you eventually realize how flipping hard you've been having to work just to keep those balls below the surface. All that effort sucks out energy and joy, Larry. There's no room left for that when you are working so hard to pretend to yourself and everyone else that things are ok. The alcohol is just a way to keep the balls hidden once they start to pop up to the surface. What? No balls here! Here's the podcast on youtube which starts around 6 min 30 sec after some ads. https://youtu.be/N28oHMMcUyY
I feel like where I am at right now is where I've just kind of said "all right hey well, there are some balls here I've been trying to keep under water, but um, here they are. Dear spouse, meet ball 1, 3, and 7. Ball 2 and 8 are still hidden to me and ball 4, 5, and 6 I'm not going to tell you about yet. But there's been this mess going on underneath for a long time and I'm too tired to keep it under the surface anymore. I need to just let go of the balls. Is that ok?"
Thank you Armee, I am going to watch that video, it is so nice to have support from people with similar experiences. I want to get out of the house today. I am bored and depressed, I just don't know what to do.
anyone here ? i am scared and alone. i don't want bad things to happen. i just need someone to talk too
I tried a hotline, on hold forever, my wife doesn't understnd, I am tired of fighting, nobody understaandes , I am so lost, scared, i don't know what to do,
You're worth fighting for Larry. Hang on long enough. Your therapist will fight for you until you are strong enough to ask your wife to fight for you and she will fight for you until you are strong enough to fight for yourself. To win, you eventually have to fight for yourself. But not alone.
Hi Larry,
I just read your thread and we're here. Sorry that it's rough right now and that your wife doesn't understand but she might just need some time to understand what's happening. Bach's comment was spot on. Cptsd all leaves us feeling like terrible people on the inside and it's almost crushing when you realize that not everyone feels that way or had to go through this. You also have the Self part inside you that is removed from all these feelings that you can step back into.
:hug:
dolly
Thank you armee and dolly,, i don't know why i had such a bad time last night, i called a hotline for help, and was on hold for 20 minutes before i hang up. i drank so much, i think that is a big part of the problem.
:grouphug: We are here Larry so keep reaching out to us.
Quote from: Larry on October 29, 2021, 12:58:36 PM
i drank so much, i think that is a big part of the problem.
Just possibly another way to view this is the drinking is a symptom of the problem, and yes that symptom makes other symptoms worse. But what is underlying the drinking is the problem. And that's probably how you feel about yourself deep down because of what happened to you.
The hard part is we can't change what happened to us. The only thing we can change is how we view and treat ourselves. And that is hard and slow, but do-able. It slowly slowly starts to sink in. There's no way to rush it. You have to absorb it into your bones day by day. I feel so encouraged that you found a T who seems to understand trauma and addiction and feels confident that she can help you! This is so wonderful, Larry. The start of feeling better, even though a lot it will feel worse, but it's the way you clean house...for a little bit it feels messier and you wonder what you just started but at the end you can see the big changes and feel lighter.
i am so thankfull for all of you, i really need to take better care of myself. i don't like the way i have been acting. i almost feel like i am trying to loose control.
Larry, I hear you and that you are feeling lost and scared.
I also have experienced calling a help line and being on hold for a long time.
Quote from: Larry on October 29, 2021, 07:50:29 PM
i almost feel like i am trying to loose control.
This statement struck me. It brought question to my mind, not necessarily for you to answer here, but to ask yourself, if it would be helpful.
If you were to picture "loosing control," what would that look like? What would happen in that scenario? What
needs would somehow be met if you lost control?
That same part struck me, too...trying to loose control. And when you posed the question to Larry, Not Alone, some small part of me answered for myself and I don't know if it's helpful, Larry, but little me answered "then someone would finally come and help me."
I never lost control and no one helped me. But over the past few years I've slowly let my T know little pieces about how bad. Mostly my shame keeps it in, but when I let these little clues out, he helps me. I don't need to lose control to get his help, I just need to let him know: "I'm suffering. Things aren't ok."
I don't know if any of that is helpful to you, it's just what came to mind. Bye bye.
I don't know why i didn't notice this or understand what i was doing, but you both are right. Maybe I am doing bad things to try to get help. I feel like i have so much work to do.
anyone around to talk?
Hey Larry, how are you?
i am ok, at home and safe, trying not to drink too much, a little dissappointed my session was canceld, i am trying to learn how to cope without drinking
it is 12 am here, might go for a walk, i just don't know what else to do
A walk is nice, you could also consider trying yoga nidra. Just lay down somewhere with some headphones and see what you think? https://jenniferraye.com/blog/free-guided-meditation-yoga-nidra
It's not yoga poses it's just paying attention to your body quietly and relaxing. I usually fall asleep while doing it.
thank you Armee, that sounds like it would be relaxing, i also want to learn more about meditating,
Hope your walk went well Larry. I'm four hours ahead of you and woke up stressed about work , saw your message and fell back asleep. It's the worst not knowing what to do with yourself at night - hope you're having a good day.
dolly
thank you dolly ! i rode my motorcycle, had a good time, i did have 6 drinks today, at home now, and i really want a few more. i don't know why, but it seems to be the only thing that makes me feel good. i know it is temporary, but it is working for now. my session was canceled yesterday, rescheduled for friday. i feel like i need to stay drunk until then
The not knowing is tough, especially when you're going through so much and it sounds like you're going through changes with how you approach things which can be scary too. My T recommended boxing to me which was great. Working out is a good way to keep focused and not think about things too much for a bit.
there is a gym on our island, i have been wanting to join. i have had the papers filled out for 2 weeks. maybe today, would be way better than sitting at a bar !
anyone here ? i really need help
:wave:
This is hard! What's going on tonight?
i am having a hard time, feeling unwanted and rejected. i don't know what to do
I'm sorry Larry. Those are tough feelings. Many of us suffer with them. One thing I've learned is that these tough emotions come in waves. Right now this wave is knocking you over. Sleep, walk, do yoga, beg a friend to sit with you, or go to an ER. This wave will pass. This wave will pass. This wave will pass. It will feel different tomorrow.
Is there anyone you trust that you can cal and just say "I don't feel okay and I need someone to watch a movie with me. It's really important." If not, call emergency services.
thank you armee, i feel a little better this morning. i think i was flashing back to being abandoned,
That's a really painful place to flash back to.
i don't know what triggered that, but i didn't like it. it cam eout of nowhere, just glad it is over for now