Jazzy's Journal: Omega

[Jazzy]

Rianydiary, it's no problem at all! I appreciate you experimenting, and I encourage you to experiment more!

I found that putting a black highlight on the light coloured text makes it easier to read, and I think increasing the size a bit helps too. It also makes it look 3d, which is really cool I think!    The code for black highlight is [ glow=black,50,500]  you just need to take the space " " out, and make sure to put [ /glow] at the end.  There's also a glow button, but you need to change the colour of the glow to black manually. 

I've mentioned music a couple of times. Music is a very powerful and important part of my life. I'm glad to hear you're embracing it more. I hope it is very helpful for you!

[Jazzy]

One of the things I wanted to post about yesterday is the speed of healing. I realized that I have been healing quite quickly lately, while encouraging others to take it slow. That feels wrong and bad to me. I've been thinking about it a lot, in order to try to find a better approach.

Basically my entire life has been a trainwreck. Though I've been healing quickly recently, that has not been the case for very long at all. It took me over 30 years to accept the fact that I had PTSD, then I had to learn about CPTSD and how it was different. Then I had to learn not only how to heal, but how to live life properly, because my parents sure didn't teach me. This part took me about 5 years. I also need a very strong motivation, which happened about 3 months ago.

It took all of these pieces of the puzzle together, combined with a tremendous amount of dedication and drastic changes in my life to speed my healing up.

I know this isn't what I've been saying recently, but healing fast is good. I don't want anyone to suffer one second longer than absolutely necessary. However, it is also very difficult. Change, including healing, has consequences, both good and bad. It's important for me, and I believe for everyone, to heal at a pace which they can handle the consequences in a healthy manner, so that the positives outweigh the negatives.

I apologize to everyone I've encouraged to slow down in their healing. I did it with only the best intentions, but I should have done better, and I will do better in the future.

With that said, I want to share a graphic which helps highlight my recent progress. I hope it is encouraging to others as it is to me.

This graph shows my average steps taken per day, over the last 12 months. As it shows, I barely moved for years, but now I am much more active and in much better shape both physically and mentally.

Click for bigger picture!

[Armadillo]

That's really kind and thoughtful of you Jazzy to recognize this and talk about it here. I agree that healing as fast as you can is important. But also that sometimes slower is ultimately faster. My first year in therapy we went too fast.  I didnt learn how to halt dissociation and be present so a lot of what we were doing caused a bit more harm than good and I wasn't learning to stay in my window of tolerance. Once we slowed down and just started working on noticing and naming what's happening is when my progress really took off. We had to back away from wanting to just fix stuff, in order to fix stuff. But I don't regret any of it

I am so so so happy that you are making so much progress right now toward healthy habits toward taking care of Jazzy. It's really impressive.

[Jazzy]

Yeah, it's challenging to set the right pace. As you said, we need to learn things that most others don't, like how to be present and deal with dissociation so we can even heal at all.

I'm glad that you've taken off now, in a healthier way then before. That's excellent!

Thank you for your encouragement too. It means so much to me to have your positive support in my life.

[Jazzy]

Today was super positive and exciting!

I was reviewing some things this morning which I don't usually look at on weekdays, and I saw a picture that looked very familiar to me, though it was out of place. I quickly realized that it was cover of the work I published a little while ago, being featured as the most popular item this week, front and centre with a big image.

 

WOW!

Of course, I took a closer look at it... and I found a minor problem! While it wasn't a big problem, it was glaringly obvious once I recognized it. I imagine this is why I don't have a perfect review on the work. Regardless, I updated it to fix the problem, so it is much better now.

I'm honestly amazed. I'm seeing big results of my hard work, which I never expected. I'm so happy, and feeling successful!

--

Later this afternoon, as I mentioned in 1,2,3, I had a good interaction with my neighbour. She is very sweet, and lent me some tools to help with the yard work. We ended up talking 3 or 4 different times throughout the afternoon. While I didn't do perfectly, I think I did very well in the situation, especially considering my social experience is nearly non-existent.

It was really great to have a positive social interaction like that, face-to-face. There's a lot more to it than just interacting online, though online is helpful too, and sometimes it is better. I was extremely encouraged that she gently expressed she would like to spend some more time together.

It's challenging to believe that my scars and imperfections and even mentioning that I had a rough childhood doesn't seem to bother her. I've always felt that people don't want to look at me, never mind spend time with me. I'm glad that is changing!

[Armadillo]

Yeaaaahhhh!!!!

This is all so FANTASTIC JAZZY!

I'm not at all surprised that your article was the most popular item this week. You are very insightful and interesting to read. Keep putting yourself out there so the world can benefit from what you have to say!

I'm also not at all surprised your neighbor wants to spend more time with you. You are a good kind and interesting person. And she may have her own scars and stories and knows you'd understand and would make a good friend.

I'm so happy that you are putting yourself out there with your neighbors and at work and here, and that you survived what life threw at you. You do make the world a better place. Perfection doesn't make the world a better place. Being a real, kind person does.

[Jazzy]

Wow, thank you so much Armadillo! This is extremely encouraging!

No wonder why people keep saying that social interaction is good. Social interaction felt very bad for me before, though. I wasn't ready; I needed to focus on other things first. I'm sad that  (professional) people don't seem to understand just how bad CPTSD is. I doubt they would recommend social interaction if they knew how much it hurt.

I think you're right about my neighbour. She did mention a couple of things that were not so great about her own childhood. I don't know how much of an impact they had on her though.

I'm happy to have survived and that I can put myself out there, too. Thank you!

Perfection doesn't make the world a better place. Being a real, kind person does.

Wow, this is deep. Thank you for this!

[Jazzy]

I planned to write about something else today, but this just happened and I really noticed it, again. That means I need to pay attention and process it, so here we go!

I've been taking a lot of notes lately to help keep my life organized, improve my habits, and remember important details. Currently I have 178 entries in my "Reminders" app on my phone; I'm quite busy.

I just wrote myself a note about the quote in the previous message, and I noticed that I write things in third person, i.e. to someone else. I think this is a part of why I believed I suffered from a personality disorder in the past. I'm not sure if I actually did or not, but it seems to be critically important. I think that for so long, I've felt like I didn't deserve to be a real person and have a life, so everything I wrote was always about someone else.

E.g. I just wrote another reminder for myself: Write in first person. It's all about you.    then I fixed it Write in first person. It's all about me. 

I expect this one is going to take some time to change, but hopefully with the help of my reminder, I will be able to do it!

[rainydiary]

Sometimes I refer to myself or write from different persons.  I think they serve a purpose at times.  I can relate to what you are saying - I think I can use it as a way to distance myself.  It is important to take up your own space and I also think it is ok to use different persons when it feels right to do so. 

[Jazzy]

Yeah, you're right RainyDiary, thank you.

I don't think writing in second or third person is necessarily a bad thing. I just don't like how I use it to distance myself. Perhaps I needed to do that in the past, but I think I don't need to anymore... at least, not so much. Right now, I see it as a "bad habit" I'm trying to improve, but I'll keep in mind that sometimes it is okay.

[Jazzy]

A few days ago I wrote M an email about her ignoring me when I said my ankle was hurt. I was very clear about how I felt, and what I expected. I didn't expect her to take it well, as she's not used to being spoken to like that, especially by me. I also sent her a text message to tell her I sent an email, just in case she didn't check.

However I was disappointed, and a bit further hurt when I didn't receive a timely reply to my message about being ignored and neglected! I got a reply to my text this evening though. It was full of the usual excuses: "I was too sick to talk", "I won't ever intentionally hurt you."

I don't think I need to point out how bad those are, but I am upset about it, so what I want to say is this (though I won't).
If you're too sick to answer a text message about how you hurt your suffering child, you better be * dying in a ditch somewhere. 

...

On the positive side, her reply was a bit better than it has been in the past, including things like "I hope you feel better soon", instead of flat out denial. I'm glad to see progress, but I hope more is made soon.

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I admire that you are sharing what you would like from your M even if you don't exactly get what you would like in return.

[Armadillo]

I'm sorry Jazzy. You deserve a mom who can care about you. You didn't get that. You got someone very selfish, uncaring, and unempathetic. I'm very proud of you for speaking up for yourself, for accepting her response is unacceptable, and not letting it take you down too much. I've tried everything with my mom and have finally run out of ways to try harder and have simply had to accept: I tried. I wish it were different.  It's not my fault. I am not [fill in the blank]. There's nothing left to do but just let it be." My moral is...I needed to keep trying with my mom, and I'm glad I did for awhile, so that I could get to this point of accepting it. Obviously I am not at the end of this journey but I feel like it's a pretty good spot, compared to where I've been.

[Jazzy]

Thank you Rainydiary. I think it is a big step for me.

[Jazzy]

Thank you Armadillo. I'm happy to read you are proud of me. I remember my M saying that exactly one time in my life when I was "making lots of money for my age."

I'm sorry things are so difficult with your M as well. I know you've tried very hard, and so have I, I wish it were enough... but people need to change themselves.

I'm glad you're in a pretty good spot now, and that you have accepted what you can and cannot do; that's great. You're right, it's not your fault, and you are not ____ .

I feel conflicted on the topic. It would be so much easier to go no contact. I don't need her any more. For my entire life, even as an adult, I kept her close because I felt like I needed her help even though it was damaging. That's not surprising, with how poorly she raised me.

A small side note on that topic. I was at my sister's this Sunday, and at one point I had two drinks (carbonated water and iced tea). I felt guilty about that and said "I'm sorry I'm drinking all of your drinks." Thankfully, her husband understands very well and replied "It's no problem, I'd rather people be hydrated then not have enough to drink." I said "Yeah, I've passed out before from dehydration and heat stroke." My sister then told me that there were a few times in which her husband had to take her to the hospital for liquid transfusions (due to dehydration) near the beginning of their relationship. I didn't realize how bad it had been for her. To me, that was a big indication of how badly our parents failed us.

I also want things to work out before it is too late, though. I think it's easier for me because M lives so far away now. I don't have to see her in person, and there's no chance I will accidentally run in to her or anything like that. Hopefully I can slowly try to keep working at it, taking breaks when I need too. I'm glad she isn't pushing to "talk it all out immediately" like she has in the past.