ch. 5 -- looking forward

[Deep Blue]

Scatter the burden of carrying that.  Tell us each time you want to tell her.  I think letting her make her own choices and decisions is the right thing to do.  That way you are not influencing her like he does.  Well done sweetie

[Elphanigh]

 

I will second what DB said there. I don't have more words today but am sending you all the love and support I can my dear. Sitting with you always 

[sanmagic7]

db, i burst into sobs when i read what you wrote.  such validation - i knew you 'got' it when i read your last thought.  thank you for that.

el, the fact that you echoed db's thoughts meant the world to me.  this kind of kindness i'm just not used to.  thank you.

she's home, it's nearly midnite, it was such a long day, especially for her - her last bus was running 3 hrs. late and she wouldn't have been able to make it home tonite, didn't have enough money to stay anywhere.  i went to the neighbor's, crying, asked for help - it was a 2-hr. drive to get to my d, but my neighbor, bless her, changed out of her bathrobe and drove all that way in the rain.  we're all home now.  thank god for kind people.

i will sleep well tonite, even tho it's later than usual.  the cat was so happy to see my d, and my d hugged me several times cuz she was so glad to see me.  right now i'm the happiest, luckiest woman in the world.  all the b.s. is behind me for this moment.

db and el, your kindness will not go unrewarded; who knows that i might not be writing more on this if it comes up again.   it's a mystery to me, to some degree, the depth of feeling i have for that man, like i've never felt in my life.  it's almost scary, nearly unrecognizable.  but my baby is safe, and that's what matters. 

[Sceal]

I am a little late to the "party", but I think what Deep Blue wrote was just perfect.

Wonderful that you have such a kind neighbour that were able and willing to help out in such a unfortunate situation with the buses. I am glad your D is back home now and I hope that the days will be much kinder to you! Big hugs to you my dear. 

[sanmagic7]

sceal, you sweet thing.  thank you for extending that invitation to me as well.  it means the world.  i was afraid of going on and on about it cuz i'd heard somewhere, some al-anon meeting i think, that if you talk about the same thing more than 3 times, it means you're just dumping and not doing anything about it.   i didn't want to be a 'dumper'.

we'll see what happens when she's up and around and we start chatting, if it all comes up again in the conversation.  i slept like the dead last nite, just wish i could've slept longer.  well, that's what naps are for, in my book - they fill in the gaps.

so, tired today, very glad yesterday is done.  very glad she's home.  she's the very last person now, irl, that i trust, and i told her so.  she is also very kind, always has been to me, and i still marvel at  being treated like that.  wow - i guess there's been a lot of unkindness that i haven't even acknowledged.  it's all taken its toll, tho.  funny how that works - right under my nose. 

i think i just accepted unkind treatment as the norm, didn't think anything of it, except i'd recognize it in my d when i'd visit her.  i didn't feel that way about anyone else, even tho my hub was always taking care of me, etc.  it didn't feel the same as kindness - kindness is soft and gentle, somehow.  not that his caretaking was rough, it was good, thoughtful, he always worried about me.  don't know, it just didn't feel the same.

anyway, time to eat, go back to sleep.  it'll be a good day.  thank you all, again.  you're beautiful, you know that?

[Deep Blue]

i was afraid of going on and on about it cuz i'd heard somewhere, some al-anon meeting i think, that if you talk about the same thing more than 3 times, it means you're just dumping and not doing anything about it.   i didn't want to be a 'dumper'.

I think we can all agree that you are not a dumper my dear. Maybe it's different in AA?

Since we have a brain injury I find we need to be gentle with ourselves as we sort through old trauma.  Sorting trauma is kinda like cleaning file cabinets to me. Some old files, I don't need, I can throw them out.  Opening them up won't be beneficial.  But some files are still very relevant! I keep them towards the front because being in tune with them helps me in my own healing.

It's a lot of clutter to sort through... trauma that is. (Hope I'm making sense here)

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it's ok to bring things up over and over.  We may look at it with a different eye each time.

Ok now I'm rambling  just sending you love and hugs

[Three Roses]

I'm so very glad she's home now! And as far as talking about things, I don't think you're a "dumper" either. There are some things we can change and some things we can't, and talking about the things we can't change with sympathetic, objective people (here) helps us. We have an outlet.

Your daughter knows everything you're thinking about the ex. And if you don't say it to her over and over, I think it will come to her anyway. If you talk, she gets to resist something from outside of her. If you don't talk about it, she'll have to argue with herself.

I think in time she will see the truth you've expressed to her. It may be just too painful for her to admit right now that her own father just sees her as something he can manipulate. That really frosts me!  I can relate to having that kind of F.

[Blueberry]

Yay, your d is home again! It's great your neighbour was willing to go and get her. It's good also to hear that you obviously have some contact with at least one neighbour

i was afraid of going on and on about it cuz i'd heard somewhere, some al-anon meeting i think, that if you talk about the same thing more than 3 times, it means you're just dumping and not doing anything about it.   i didn't want to be a 'dumper'.

This is the kind of stuff I did not appreciate in 12 step groups. "more than 3 times" - that's a blanket rule that cannot apply to everyone. For us with cptsd (and maybe for others too without cptsd??) talking about something more than once may include a change in how you're talking about it which means a change in how you're thinking about it, a change in how you perceive it. That is part of healing. Baby steps count.

I don't see you dumping on here. There are things you need to express atm and you're doing it on here. You're getting some of the poison out. And you know how important that is because you encourage others to do it!

[Wattlebird]

Yes as everyone else has said your not a dumper, a dumper is someone unwilling to work on their problems, which I think it's clear you are not.
Yay for d home 

[sanmagic7]

thank you.  you have all put my mind at ease on so many levels.

db, i do believe you're right - the aa reference included the idea that if you complain about the same thing more than 3 times and don't do anything about it, it's cuz you want to remain in the victim role.  i agree about revisiting traumatic memories/situations with a goal of putting them to rest, that there may come the time when we do see with a different eye and our 'aha' moment comes.  thank you for that.

3r, i totally agree about talking about this stuff on the forum with these people has made all the difference in the world.  we truly are a different kind of animal - in the very best sense.  and, yes, letting her find her own way with her F is best.  i think she gets blinded by the obviousness of her sis - he is truly the more cunning of the two.  makes my skin crawl to think of it.

plus, it took me 30 yrs. to figure out what he was doing and how, and that's only because at the end i was not only researching misogyny, but also npd in depth.  and, i got connected here and learned even more.  she won't aggressively look into it, i don't think, cuz, no, she doesn't want to know.  it would devastate her, you're right.  so, i'll let it be, come here when i need to vent.  thank you.

thanks, blueberry, for reminding me of my words.  you're absolutely correct.  that's also why i never felt 'at home' like so many others did at 12-step meetings - they just didn't address my needs.  i thought they were great for addictions, but the other issues underlying the addictions were passed over.  i feel more at home here with people i've never seen.  weird how that has worked.

thank you, wb, for your validation and encouragement, too.  i so appreciate the support. 

well, looks like our critter problem is ramping up again.  part of it is cuz our vacuum went kaput, we didn't have enough time to thoroughly clean it before dd left, so i wasn't able to suck up the eggs/larvae every day.  starting over.  she was really disheartened to find a new one on the cat.  *sigh* 

the battle rages on, i guess.  thank you all, again, for your support with all this.  i know critters isn't exactly a c-ptsd problem, but i think the exhaustion we both feel at having to clean every day all the carpeting in this house actually is.  it's the 'have to' part that wears us both out.  i'm able to pick up more of the slack with that cuz she's bustin' her butt trying to get enough money in to make sure the rent gets paid every month. and we all know that worrying like that is stressful and energy draining.

we'll get thru it eventually.  it's always something, but even these somethings tend to feel like SOMETHINGS.  dang.

[Sceal]

busted my arm earlier today, so can't really type. but just wanted to send you some warm thoughts and a healing hug.

[sanmagic7]

o, sweetie, what happened? 

and, you still came here to support me, even with a broken arm?!  wow - what a darling friend you are.  thank you so much.  you are worth so much to me, i hope you know that.

[Blueberry]

  i know critters isn't exactly a c-ptsd problem, but i think the exhaustion we both feel at having to clean every day all the carpeting in this house actually is.  it's the 'have to' part that wears us both out. 

Exactly. I'm sure most of us on here know the non-cptsd problems that turn into a huge, almost insurmountable problem because of cptsd. I myself have a lot of problems with 'have to' or 'should' and especially with 'have to' day in, day out for weeks / months. Even for something mostly enjoyable like having fur babies, never mind having unwanted critters living rent-free with me. Ugh.

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much for your support, blueberry.  i do appreciate it.  so weird how trauma in our past can so painfully affect day-to-day normally non-issues in the present.  ugh is right.

[Sceal]

o, sweetie, what happened? 

and, you still came here to support me, even with a broken arm?!  wow - what a darling friend you are.  thank you so much.  you are worth so much to me, i hope you know that.

No, no I didn't break it! I just get inflammation that starts in my shoulderblade and moves through to my fingertips. It doesn't take much for me to get it. Makes my arm quite useless anyway, I can't activate the muscles properly. But regardless, had it been broken bones I'd still have replied to you. 
you matter alot to me too. Given me so much support. you are amazing.