Hello,
I am new here after just finishing Pete walkers book on Cptsd I thought I would reach out a bit as I really don't know what to think anymore. I only discovered what Cptsd meant a couple of weeks ago and a lot of it really resonates with me. I guess I am just going to tell my story from the beginning and maybe hope for some clarification i know that this isn't a place for diagnosis but I suppose I just need a bit of help!
From an early age I remember feeling anxious, sad, lonely, unloved and not understood. Crying a lot of the time, and feeling generally as if I didn't belong anywhere. The rub is though that other memories are good memories of fun days out and some good times. And as far as I know no major trauma. Which starts making me think that my mum was right I was just a problem child that was loved and just couldn't be consoled. And that I just have to be happy and positive , or it's a chemical disorder, I have depression, feeling like there is just something wrong with me, anything to take the blame away from her! She still says this to this day. She did admit at one point that she didn't say I love you enough or gave us hugs when we were kids and that she didn't love dad and didn't want to be married and pregnant at 16. Her mother had agoraphobia as well apparently. She also told me that she and my dad argued a lot because he would always come home drunk and spend a lot of his time at the pub. I do not remember any arguments at all, but I do recall the horrible smell of too much alcohol on my dads breath sometimes. To top this off, my father dad at 41 of a heart attack when I was 15. I remember being upset but not a lot of comfort or anything from anyone. I tried to commit suicide for the first time in my life. At 16my mum started to lock the food away because I wasn't pulling my weight and then threw me out of the family home because I wasn't amounting to much. At this point I went off and buried my feelings so deep I actual thought I was ok. Started stealing and eventually got into prostitution. Although I thought I was ok. I know I felt like I was good for nothing. Several pimps, rape and addresses later Some how at 23 I decided that there must be something better in life and a seed grew and I went to college, although continued prostitution until the age of 25. After this I took on various jobs, bar work, driving, stuff like that, then had a nervous breakdown at 28. Got some therapy and anti depressants I had opened Pandora's box of hurt and couldn't close it. At 32 I actually started a career in a children's home and now at 44 I am a careers adviser. I now have some good friends that I formed over the last 15 years, which was something that I never had. So it sounds like a success story right? Well in some respects yes, I am proud of some of the things I have achieved. However after being dumped again after a 3 year relationship I am back to feeling, useless, ugly, unworthy, unloved and not worth anything. I feel like I am asleep when it comes to relationships. I want love, support and care a steady home so much that I pick up with what ever is on offer, ignoring my instincts at beginning that it wasn't right. I have had a bit of a mini breakdown, where I feel so alone and anxious it has been unbearable. I have never been married. No children (two abortions in my teens. Both of which my mum told me to do) I don't own my own home. I just want to feel safe and secure and loved and I feel as if I am never going to have it. I am so tired of living my life like this.
Phew I know it's long and thank you for reading. Do you think that I have CPTSD? I just feel sometimes after reading all the horror stories of the abuse that others have been through that I am just complaining for no reason.
I am new here after just finishing Pete walkers book on Cptsd I thought I would reach out a bit as I really don't know what to think anymore. I only discovered what Cptsd meant a couple of weeks ago and a lot of it really resonates with me. I guess I am just going to tell my story from the beginning and maybe hope for some clarification i know that this isn't a place for diagnosis but I suppose I just need a bit of help!
From an early age I remember feeling anxious, sad, lonely, unloved and not understood. Crying a lot of the time, and feeling generally as if I didn't belong anywhere. The rub is though that other memories are good memories of fun days out and some good times. And as far as I know no major trauma. Which starts making me think that my mum was right I was just a problem child that was loved and just couldn't be consoled. And that I just have to be happy and positive , or it's a chemical disorder, I have depression, feeling like there is just something wrong with me, anything to take the blame away from her! She still says this to this day. She did admit at one point that she didn't say I love you enough or gave us hugs when we were kids and that she didn't love dad and didn't want to be married and pregnant at 16. Her mother had agoraphobia as well apparently. She also told me that she and my dad argued a lot because he would always come home drunk and spend a lot of his time at the pub. I do not remember any arguments at all, but I do recall the horrible smell of too much alcohol on my dads breath sometimes. To top this off, my father dad at 41 of a heart attack when I was 15. I remember being upset but not a lot of comfort or anything from anyone. I tried to commit suicide for the first time in my life. At 16my mum started to lock the food away because I wasn't pulling my weight and then threw me out of the family home because I wasn't amounting to much. At this point I went off and buried my feelings so deep I actual thought I was ok. Started stealing and eventually got into prostitution. Although I thought I was ok. I know I felt like I was good for nothing. Several pimps, rape and addresses later Some how at 23 I decided that there must be something better in life and a seed grew and I went to college, although continued prostitution until the age of 25. After this I took on various jobs, bar work, driving, stuff like that, then had a nervous breakdown at 28. Got some therapy and anti depressants I had opened Pandora's box of hurt and couldn't close it. At 32 I actually started a career in a children's home and now at 44 I am a careers adviser. I now have some good friends that I formed over the last 15 years, which was something that I never had. So it sounds like a success story right? Well in some respects yes, I am proud of some of the things I have achieved. However after being dumped again after a 3 year relationship I am back to feeling, useless, ugly, unworthy, unloved and not worth anything. I feel like I am asleep when it comes to relationships. I want love, support and care a steady home so much that I pick up with what ever is on offer, ignoring my instincts at beginning that it wasn't right. I have had a bit of a mini breakdown, where I feel so alone and anxious it has been unbearable. I have never been married. No children (two abortions in my teens. Both of which my mum told me to do) I don't own my own home. I just want to feel safe and secure and loved and I feel as if I am never going to have it. I am so tired of living my life like this.
Phew I know it's long and thank you for reading. Do you think that I have CPTSD? I just feel sometimes after reading all the horror stories of the abuse that others have been through that I am just complaining for no reason.