Messages

Guess we just haven't laid the trusting groundwork that would be needed for me to respond more honestly.  There was a part of me (larger than expected) that just wanted to unload on him and tell him everything.  No, I'm not okay.  I've been in an emotional flashback for two and half months, and dealing with all the instability of CPTSD and oh yeah, left my job!

I feel like there is a part of you that really wants to at least be heard and maybe it is possible. You won't ever know until you give it a shot. That said, as Phoebes suggested, when we come from families like ours it's probably best to dip a toe in rather jump straight in.  That way you can gauge what his interest in more of a relationship is and what he's prepared to hear about from you.

Recently I skipped my NM's memorial service and told my brother the reason was that I didn't feel the same way as he does about our mother and at some point if he's interested in hearing about that from me we could have a talk.  He did say he was coming our way in the fall and maybe we could get together so he didn't dismiss it out of hand and seemed interested to hear what I had to say.  I don't hold out a lot of hope for a better relationship though as he's an N too, but at least I will be heard and just that is important and enough for me. 

Kizzie

 

I just went back to the site and it's a virtual conference not an in-person one.  It doesn't sound like that but it will be via Zoom.  That's so much better than in person just from a logistical POV.

I've been at OOTS for 10 years now and with a few exceptions which you get in any group of people we are genuinely lovely, kind people.

Hello and a warm welcome Pisa, I'm so sorry for what your family put you through and that it has impact your life even into your 60's.I am 67 so CPTSD does last sadly. It does indeed sound like your F was threatened by you and isn't that a testament to how intelligent you are and that you were not the same as him or other family members when you think about it? Not that it doesn't hurt, so many of us here have dealt with similar childhoods and it does wound us deeply. I guess I'm just suggesting there may be another way to look at why he and other members of your family treated you as they did.  They really were threatened by you.

And IMO because you are here it means you are not the same as them, they would never see anything wrong in how they behaved and as such would never join a support group to figure things out and try to make things better for themselves and those around them.  But you have and now you are part of a community of survivors who are doing their level best to manage their symptoms and treat themselves and others with respect and kindness. 

One last note. My NM passed away in Nov and I did not go to her service.  I feel a smidgeon of guilt every now and then because I am a decent, kind person, but mostly I feel pride that I did not put myself through all the "She was such a wonderful person" stuff (she was a covert N and had many flying monkeys). Again, being proud of me for taking care of me is just another way of looking at things.

Kizzie

OK Cascade you've been added.

Can I just say that absolutely none of you are disgusting, it is 100% the people who abused you who are disgusting. I for one would like to see more perpetrators pay a price, even if it's years after.  Nothing sends a message that it wasn't you like justice served. 

Hi and welcome Julie     It's a relief when you finally figure out or are diagnosed with CPTSD and all the pieces just fit in place.  Or so I found anyway.  Glad you found us and I hope you find what you need here. 

Wow Sunny, sounds like you have had a plateful of N abuse. Those of us who don't go along with the N chaos do seem to end up the scapegoat so the N's can feel they are the normal ones. I wonder what happened when you stepped away? Did one of them become the new scapegoat or were you still it even though you were no contact?  It doesn't matter in the end I know but because they end up so BIG in our lives I do often wonder about what it's like for them when they don't have us around to gaslight, blame, conduct smear campaigns, etc.

Anyway, glad you found your way here and I hope you find some good support, resources and connection.   

It takes time Cascade so just go at your pace and post when and what you are comfortable with. We are all here to reach out to as you say. 

Yes, welcome back Cascade!   

That's awesome you're back home NK! Isn't home wonderful after the hospital?  Something as simple as you say as not being woken before the birds are up to have one's blood pressure take. Why on earth do they do that? And real food, your own bed and a hot shower in your own bathroom - heaven.

  

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Juliann.  I am truly sorry for what you've endured and the lasting effects of it. 

You are in good company here though and I hope you will find the understanding, caring and supportive members and information and resources helpful as you work on managing your symptoms.

The mental health community is not overly knowledgeable about CPTSD as it was only made official by the World Health Organization in 2018 (although it was identified by Judith Herman in the 1990's). That is changing thankfully as more practitioners undertake education and training si it's only going to get better IMO. I hope that gives you some hope.

 

Well that's half the battle and you can still address the other half even if she hasn't chosen to address it. She knows now you have things to say to her so just my opinion but if you're able, keep going even if it's a bit at a time. 

[clean anger]

It took a very long time for me to understand what Pete walker wrote about in his book; that is, angering is necessary to re-ignite our normal and natural protective instincts that were crushed by our abusers. Since I figured that out almost always my anger response has to do with someone busting my boundaries, treating me with disrespect and/or demeaning me in some way, I am more often than not much less dysregulated when I am angry because I am in control.

That said, I was quite dysregulated recently by a conflict with someone I did not realize was a covert N doing the whole circular logic thing which my NB did to me and so I was into it and really triggered before I knew it.  Still I did not strike back at the person, but they sure did. Two very appalling emails to me by the person afterward, but I knew by then who I was dealing with, who the responsibility for not mending things belonged to, and not to take any of it personally.

That has taken a long time to learn and feel but Pete was correct IMO that we need to let ourselves be angry but to do so still with respect for the other person and not making things personal. Even if they cannot do the same in return we can take comfort in knowing we are able to manage anger with respect and grace. It feels very healthy I must say and I feel a sense of pride that I do not dysregulate as much as I used to. 

The only thing I need to keep working at is listening to my gut when it tells me there is something not quite right with a person and to back away if possible so as not to get entangled in their emotional chaos. Anger with people like that is nasty and simply can't be fixed like it can in a healthy relationship - too much N injury and rage. 

It's understandable that most of us are afraid of anger - that which is directed at us, and anger that we feel at others. It's all fraught with danger until we learn there is such a thing as clean anger. "Clean anger means finding responsible and appropriate ways to express the anger you feel. It doesn't mean that you are not feeling angry; rather, that you are behaving reasonably, rationally, and safely, and not allowing those feelings to take control."  https://www.realrelating.com/blog/cleananger

And it means if someone is directing dirty anger at us we are able to tell them to stop, that we will not be abused, demeaned, etc.