symptom of PTSD - forming abusive relationships **triggers**

[Dee]

As some of you may realize I am struggling lately with awareness of my marriage.  I just got out of a 20 year abusive marriage, but I didn't really understand it was abusive or just how abusive it was.  Had he hit me, I think I might have understood.  I am also starting to understand that it is common for people who have been abused to chose partners that continue the abuse.  I'm looking back and I see many of the same behaviors as my father and I simply thought that was marriage.  Extreme control and power issues along with manipulation and coercion were what I saw growing up.

I believe there are a lot of us here.  Some of who may currently be in an abusive relationship.  I am wondering how many others look back and think OMG, I didn't even see it?  Or possibly reading this and having a new understanding.  For the record, I have done research and domestic violence doesn't always include physical violence.  It would of been nice to understand this a super long time ago.

[joyful]

I totally understand. I'm not married yet, but as I date I know I have to be really careful. Because not only do I tend to be attracted or whatever to that type of guy who is like my father, those type of guys are attracted to me because I'm submissive. I have to be assertive--instead of just saying whatever you want, I don't really care--when I go out with people...which is really hard, but I don't want that type of guy.
Thank you for reminding me of this.

[sanmagic7]

o yeah, dee, abuse doesn't necessarily have anything to do with violence.  being programmed to take care of everyone, set the example for others, and be a perfect person led me into all kinds of relationships where i had little to no understanding of what abusive meant.  i saw flaws in people, but looked at them as something for me to hang in there and fix.  what happened to me during that time didn't matter.  i had a job to do, and that's what i needed to do, no matter what.

i stayed in relationships until i was either dumped or was pushed to the point where i could no longer stay (an example - hub #1 begged me not to abort the baby, said it would work out, we'd find a way.  since i wanted to believe it, i stayed.  at 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, he told me he didn't want to be married anymore, and was seeing someone else.   that was the push, and i left to go live with a girlfriend.  up to this time, psychological, verbal, and mental abuse were the order of day every day.  i just accepted it all because i believed it was my job to do so  so i battled every day to make it change. it never did.)

we all  have different reasons for choosing and staying with people who will abuse us.  often, many of us repeat the patterns of their parents because that's the only adult relationship they knew.  my mother was very submissive, and i never wanted to be like her.  i may have looked submissive, but i never felt like that.  i felt that i was actively doing the job/responsibility my father laid on my shoulders when i was very young.  and, to do that to me was abusive as well.  i accepted that responsibility because i was expected to. 

how different things might have been otherwise!  but, i can't even imagine it because my programming was so complete. 



someone                                                                                                                                   

[JusticeBeaver]

I am one of those people as well. I am no longer in an abusive relationship, my ex boyfriend of 4 years was most certainly either uBPD or uNPD (possibly both), and it's something I didn't realize until I made the discovery about my mother - 4 years after we broke up!

I also recognized that my best friend from high school is also probably on the narcissistic spectrum, I seem to attract them.

For me I think it's just that I was so used to being treated like my wants, needs and feelings didn't matter because of my mom, that I accepted that everyone would just bulldoze over me and push me around. I am passive, generally easy going and will put up with a lot of BS. Well - not anymore! But you get the idea.

Walker covers this really well, when he describes the Fawn trauma type - a lot of us had parents who were emotionally demanding (parentifying) while simultaneously being emotionally neglectful. This sort of emotional abuse creates a child who is eager to please at any cost, and will push all of their needs aside in order to please anyone in their life.

My ex lovebombed me, pretended to be someone else, then once he had me, he changed totally. We stopped having sex, he started lying to me and I would always catch him in lies. I remember having fights with him, where he would blame me for everything and eventually lash out and punch something or break something in the house. He expected me to financially support him even though we made the same amount of money, he would just spend all of his money right away and then look to me. His money was his money and my money was "our money." I went into horrible debt because of this, I actually just finished paying it off a few months ago. I didn't think there was anything really amiss here, because he convinced me that I was the problem. With my depression that I should just be able to "get over."

Just thinking about it now, I was making my c-PTSD worse by being around him. Thankfully, I set a plan in motion (got a second job, secured my own vehicle) and kicked him out of my house. I am now with a supportive and loving partner. He has his issues, and I believe his father had NPD based on talks I've had with his mom, but he is not abusive in the least. Once you are aware of the hallmarks of PD behavior, it is much easier to spot the red flags early on. I'm sorry Dee, that you are going through this now, but I know in my heart that you will be okay. I think that we are all incredibly resilient.