*****Trigger Warning****The unwanted second born female to the Golden child older brother I was emotionally brutalized almost everyday several times a day through my late twenties by my mother pillar of the community a writer of children's books a mentally unstable woman who spent afternoons while my father was working overtime beating me then sobbing sitting in her bedroom and then hours later waking me up in the middle of the night to rip the sheets off and brutalize me again and then go back to crying. I never understood it. And I keep repeating this brutalization over and over again with broken partners.
She has Alzheimer's now and I had to clean out her storage unit last summer where I found journals where she wrote about how much she disliked me and painted such an ugly picture of me as a person I think this was written during the time I went away for my first year in college.. It made sense why she never came up to see me and why she didn't want me coming home on the weekends to do laundry. She completely checked out and started traveling far with a Bible group. She was absent on purpose We hadn't had Thanksgiving or any holidays since the 7th grade all of those were spent at other people's homes or alone when she was gone traveling leaving me with a few blank checks where I was instructed not to spend more than $60. I wake up every morning with deep sadness and sometimes I just cry and I didn't know why until I started reading about CPTSD and I immediately recognized that I'm always thinking about her and I'm always flashing back and that never stops. I wish I could find relief find a real therapist recently I had a few zoom calls some attempts to connect with a counselor and they were narcissistic wanting to do all the talking and instructing me that they weren't there just to have me talk.. no bonding no compassion I don't even know why they're online so unqualified. So I continue to struggle every morning before I can get it together to put on a smile and go to work
She has Alzheimer's now and I had to clean out her storage unit last summer where I found journals where she wrote about how much she disliked me and painted such an ugly picture of me as a person I think this was written during the time I went away for my first year in college.. It made sense why she never came up to see me and why she didn't want me coming home on the weekends to do laundry. She completely checked out and started traveling far with a Bible group. She was absent on purpose We hadn't had Thanksgiving or any holidays since the 7th grade all of those were spent at other people's homes or alone when she was gone traveling leaving me with a few blank checks where I was instructed not to spend more than $60. I wake up every morning with deep sadness and sometimes I just cry and I didn't know why until I started reading about CPTSD and I immediately recognized that I'm always thinking about her and I'm always flashing back and that never stops. I wish I could find relief find a real therapist recently I had a few zoom calls some attempts to connect with a counselor and they were narcissistic wanting to do all the talking and instructing me that they weren't there just to have me talk.. no bonding no compassion I don't even know why they're online so unqualified. So I continue to struggle every morning before I can get it together to put on a smile and go to work