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HI there, adding my two cents.  I have dabbled in the thought of trying to "right my wrong" by getting FOO to understand and help me.  Unfortunately in my case my FOO are so seriously screwed up that it is just a waste of my energy.  I think the hardest concept for me is that these were their problems, that they inflicted on me.  I was young and vulnerable.  I wasted a lot of time trying to "fix" things, which for me meant to get validation from FOO.  Even though their behaviour was beyond despicable, actually illegal they take no responsibility for it.  Interacting with them only keeps me more locked into the cycle.  I have not gone NC (officially) but in my head I try to separate them from me.  The hardest part is realizing it really IS them, not me as I have always believed.  Letting go of them trying to validate my experience and validating it by myself is very empowering although I'm not that great at it, I have flashes of insight at times.  I just choose not to interact because I know every interaction is an opportunity for them to have a go at me, no matter what I say. I know this is not particularly concrete information about whether you should send a letter or not, for me I can just say they would find a way to use it against me, they are not rational, they are barely even human beings, sorry blathering on...

my mam offered me up as the sexual object for my dad from the age of 9 because she had an outside relationship.  No one believes me, I was brainwashed to think it was the only way to protect her.  I felt she "deserved" the outside relationship because my da was so abusive towards her.  I never realized I deserved to be innocent and protected.  I don't remember ever being innocent.  I went into the relationship willingly (sort of) because I felt I HAD to or she would die (not an unrealistic fear in our household).  I was so stupid, even now I feel so stupid.

Hi Bazou, Unfortunately I have used self harm to ground myself.  That is how I have coped, my T knows that and I am working towards other methods.  It can last a few minutes, a few days or longer.  It takes a while to return to the integrated whole (whatever that even means)  I don't even feel anything when I get in that state it's complete detachment unrelated to substances or other artificial means.  It's probably close to being a zombie. 

One of my issues is always feeling responsible (in the extreme) for any bad behavior of other people, even strangers.  I have a very hard time looking at others and ever judging them as anything negative i.e. cruel, angry, jealous, crazy, mean.  If someone says something hurtful or mean or out of the blue to me I feel as if I must emit something that makes them speak to me in such a manner.  I don't have good perspective to keep these type of people on the outside.  I think it's because I was tortured physically and emotionally for attempting to fight against my abusers for so long that I don't separate well. Does anyone else struggle with this.  I can literally see an obviously crazy person on a train for example and if he or she says something mean to me I will automatically wonder what I did wrong.  Then I go home and have to self harm.  It's endless cycling, I'm trying to stop.  Having trouble knowing what is outside the self and what is the self.

I used to identify with your fear of FOO recognizing you.  I have lost that fear due to feeling less attached to them and their reactions.  I have no fear that FOO would ever read this board, that would conclude some sort of non narcissistic behavior, not gonna happen in my lifetime with my FOO

I love the concept of medium chill, that is a great suggestion.  I even have it on post it notes at work.  I am investing a lot of time and money into my therapy, I hope it is worth it.  I don't feel worth it being the victim of an environment where I was tortured.  I deformed my body due to the constant sexual abuse, I wish I had the money for corrective surgery.  No one knows what I have done to myself.

this is an issue for me, I get flashes of watching myself f rom the outside at the weirdest times, just usually feeling the bullcrap of life coming on strong and me unable to cope. I have to watch myself during those times, it usually means a self harm episode is brewing.I don't tell anyone about it.

I have been having recurring dreams of where I grew up for over four years.  I hate it.  It's freaky and scary.  I don't want to go there ever again.  Why it continues to haunt me is beyond my comprehension.

I relate to your story very much.  We had different issues but the same emotional abandonment and physical neglect/abuse.  For years I had the same emotional reactions to people, it is like being a "dog" but instead of being able to sniff out objects, I can sniff out emotions.  I've been called "oversensitive" my whole life.  That is how I learned to protect myself as a youngster and it continues to this day. The difference I have been finding lately is that I no longer care how people think of me to the same extent.  I am learning it is OK for ME not to like them, that is a different mind set altogether.  I'm still learning that, because on the other hand I can like others if I choose.  I think before I was just operating from my unconscious thought processes due to having to be constantly vigilant to protect myself from real danger.  I hope you know you are far from alone with this.

thank you for your kind words, I feel them through this forum, I do try to help "the boys" although they are now men, I don't see them acting like men.  They do dislike each other strongly but I do care for both of them. I can't care for their mother which means I don't see much of them.  Her sexual abuse of me as a young boy is a factor in a lot of my issues and I can't be around her.

I have recently started counseling, every day a new body part of mine flares up and causes severe pain.  I feel ridiculous to be this tore up as a man in my middle age.  I don't tell anyone not even my counselor.  Maybe we'll get there I don't know.  Although I have no children I feel strongly that no child should ever be abused or made to hurt because of whatever, there are no good reasons.  What I mean is no child should have to suffer physically because a parent or guardian is mentally unable to care for them. I don't believe in family reunification where there is abuse involved, when I was fostered out was the best most stable three months of my life. Screw the haters on the foster care system, there were good fosters where I was sent out but frankly living on the street which I also did felt the most right to me.

Hi Dutch, I'm late to the party on this thread I know.  I have two nephews being abused by their BM who is my extra DNA, the way I refer to my FOO, sorry for all the abbreviations.  One nephew is the most "wonderful perfect child in the world!!!" while the other is "the worst, the devil, the worst kid in the universe!!".  I watch from the outside and wonder what to do, trying to deal with my narcissistic sister make ME insane, so I can't get too close.  These nephews are approaching 30 and guess what, they have major issues, both of them.  I know I have failed them but their mother is too toxic for me, she makes me physically sick.  I am not strong enough to tackle her and help them, she's much older than me and abused me regularly. 

I don't sleep, I know my body sleeps but my mind doesn't. my night terrors are extremely severe for most of my life but especially the past four years.  I wake up screaming nightly and usually can't remember where I am, even if I've had a "good" day out in the world.  I take sleep meds, anxiety meds and whatever else I can use to sleep.  Either that or I just pass out eventually after two to three days of no sleep at all.  It's *.

I've never heard of a medicine for nightmares, that's interesting thanks.  My night terrors are pretty severe, more than nightmares.  They occur daily and cause me to attempt to avoid sleeping. As you can imagine I have no circadian rhythm, makes sense since I don't feel like a real person.

I know I was the caretaker, I didn't always want to be, but it allowed me to attempt to make some sense out of the insanity around me by controlling things such as caring for my narcissistic sick parents, my narcissistic sick brother and cleaning, doing bills and making health care decisions before I was even a legal adult. My parents relied on me never to get sick myself or get hurt (hard to do when you're being beaten) and if I did it was too bad.  I could just die as long as I was not caring for them.  They used to tell me to die. I am still a caretaker to this day but realizing how very tired of it I am. If I had died as a teen I feel no one would have missed me.